Hiatus.
I took a hiatus from the blog, sorry. Things have been crazy. I was really frustrated- I went to the doctor and he did an ultrasound, but the follicules were too small. So I scheduled my next appointment. The lady initially suggested Monday, but I reminded her it was a holiday, so she pushed me to Thursday. I even asked, well, is that ok in terms of timing? If the doctor wanted to see me on Monday, wouldn't Tuesday be more prudent? But she insisted on Thursday.
We went in on Thursday and my follicules, while big enough, were now oddly shaped. My doctor said that this is either a sign that I already ovulated, or a sign that there is something else... He wouldn't elaborate on the something else.
Needless to say, I'm super upset because had I gone in on Tuesday, I wouldn't have missed the ovulation.
Anyway, I took the trigger shot just in case, and we BD accordingly.
Then Saturday I had to go to a baby shower, which makes the 1,000,000 this year.
Anyway, now I am in the midst of the two week wait. Again. I hate this phase.
My husband and I had planned on doing three months of femara with timed intercourse. Then we'd move onto IUI for at least 3 months, and then and only then would we look at invitro. I just wish my body would cooperate and get pregnant already.
Sorry, I promise the next post will be more upbeat, but if I'm keeping it real, today and this past week has really sucked.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
I love being thick.
Well, at least having a thick lining- which I do today- 9 mm! My follicules are slightly small, with the largest one around 14mm. We were sent home and ordered to have date night tomorrow night. Saturday I'll get the HSG shot and then we'll try again on Sunday.
I have a good feeling about this cycle. Keep your fingers crossed!
Well, at least having a thick lining- which I do today- 9 mm! My follicules are slightly small, with the largest one around 14mm. We were sent home and ordered to have date night tomorrow night. Saturday I'll get the HSG shot and then we'll try again on Sunday.
I have a good feeling about this cycle. Keep your fingers crossed!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Sisters.
I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend- and hopefully it was a long one! I had a good time, although my husband ended up working the entire time- I swear he's going to burn out. My sister F came from Canada, and we had a good time together.
I picked her up from the airport, and on the way back home she just said so many wrong things. She doesn't mean to, I'm sure she's supportive and loving, but her comments just really stung. She would continually bring up babies, and how "oh, so and so hasn't been able to get pregnant, maybe that's a sign she shouldn't be a mother." "Oh, I completely forgot so and so was pregnant, but it's not really theirs, so it doesn't really count." And "DH and I are thinking of having another kid- since the last one was an accident, we have the chance to actually time this one the way we want!"
I just kept quiet and continued to drive. She knows I've been trying for so long to get pregnant, so I'm not sure why she would be so insensitive. My sister has been known to be overly competitive. My oldest sister got engaged, and F had to beat her to the alter. That marriage didn't last. Then 8 years later I got engaged, and F again had to beat me to the alter. My eldest sister had a lot of trouble conceiving, and as soon as my sister F found out, she "accidentally" ended up pregnant.
She has a lot of issues she needs to work out, and normally they don't bother me- I'm pretty secure in where I am in life and happy with what I've accomplished. But those comments really upset me.
I just drove her to my Mom's house and went home- where I found a bowl of Hagen Daaz vanilla bean ice cream, prepared for me by my husband (who I had called upset once I had dropped off F).
The next day my sister apologized, so I suppose she understood her comments were out of line. I forgave her- I always forgive her. She is, after all, my sister.
I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend- and hopefully it was a long one! I had a good time, although my husband ended up working the entire time- I swear he's going to burn out. My sister F came from Canada, and we had a good time together.
I picked her up from the airport, and on the way back home she just said so many wrong things. She doesn't mean to, I'm sure she's supportive and loving, but her comments just really stung. She would continually bring up babies, and how "oh, so and so hasn't been able to get pregnant, maybe that's a sign she shouldn't be a mother." "Oh, I completely forgot so and so was pregnant, but it's not really theirs, so it doesn't really count." And "DH and I are thinking of having another kid- since the last one was an accident, we have the chance to actually time this one the way we want!"
I just kept quiet and continued to drive. She knows I've been trying for so long to get pregnant, so I'm not sure why she would be so insensitive. My sister has been known to be overly competitive. My oldest sister got engaged, and F had to beat her to the alter. That marriage didn't last. Then 8 years later I got engaged, and F again had to beat me to the alter. My eldest sister had a lot of trouble conceiving, and as soon as my sister F found out, she "accidentally" ended up pregnant.
She has a lot of issues she needs to work out, and normally they don't bother me- I'm pretty secure in where I am in life and happy with what I've accomplished. But those comments really upset me.
I just drove her to my Mom's house and went home- where I found a bowl of Hagen Daaz vanilla bean ice cream, prepared for me by my husband (who I had called upset once I had dropped off F).
The next day my sister apologized, so I suppose she understood her comments were out of line. I forgave her- I always forgive her. She is, after all, my sister.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Like Water for Chocolate.
I'm in a book club, and it's a lot of fun. It's a bunch of girls and we all get together and drink wine and discuss the book we've selected for the month.
One of the girls is pregnant, and the book club decided that the next meeting should be a surprise baby shower for her. I suppose I knew this was coming, but I didn't really think about it. Anyway, as they were planning the shower, someone mentioned that I am a talented baker and had made some friends' wedding cakes- so they asked me to make the cake for the shower.
Images from Like Water for Chocolate came to mind- you know, the scene where she cries into the wedding cake she is preparing for her lover who is marrying someone else. All the guests eat the cake and begin crying, feeling the same sense of loneliness and unhappiness.
I imagined crying into my cake, and wondered if anyone would feel my sense of loss over IF. This was just a quick thought, quickly brushed away.
But then I really began to think- I love baking. I love it more than I love the practice of law. I could bake for hours and hours and it never gets old. I like the structure, the creativity and the expression on people's faces when they eat something I've baked. As an attorney, usually when people talk to me it's because something has happened and they would rather not know me. I once had a very nice client, who told me, very honestly, at the end of her case, "you are a great person, and I hope I never have to see you again." I get that- nobody likes lawyers. But baking is different- it's accepted with gratitude. It's an escape from reality for me.
What if I get stuck baking for events that somewhat hurt me- like baby showers? Will that taint the fun part of baking for me? God I hope not. The mother to be loves cheesecake- and there's really no talent required to bake cheesecakes. I bake cakes that are multiple layers, with different types of meringues and sauces. I'm sure my cakes would be devoured- so I have to make a choice. Bake the cake for me, or for her? One thought is to bake my own cakes, and make cake pops with cheesecake. That way, I can wrap them and they can be like favors. Everyone loves cake pops now.
Oh well, now I'm rambling. I hope you all have a great day.
I'm in a book club, and it's a lot of fun. It's a bunch of girls and we all get together and drink wine and discuss the book we've selected for the month.
One of the girls is pregnant, and the book club decided that the next meeting should be a surprise baby shower for her. I suppose I knew this was coming, but I didn't really think about it. Anyway, as they were planning the shower, someone mentioned that I am a talented baker and had made some friends' wedding cakes- so they asked me to make the cake for the shower.
Images from Like Water for Chocolate came to mind- you know, the scene where she cries into the wedding cake she is preparing for her lover who is marrying someone else. All the guests eat the cake and begin crying, feeling the same sense of loneliness and unhappiness.
I imagined crying into my cake, and wondered if anyone would feel my sense of loss over IF. This was just a quick thought, quickly brushed away.
But then I really began to think- I love baking. I love it more than I love the practice of law. I could bake for hours and hours and it never gets old. I like the structure, the creativity and the expression on people's faces when they eat something I've baked. As an attorney, usually when people talk to me it's because something has happened and they would rather not know me. I once had a very nice client, who told me, very honestly, at the end of her case, "you are a great person, and I hope I never have to see you again." I get that- nobody likes lawyers. But baking is different- it's accepted with gratitude. It's an escape from reality for me.
What if I get stuck baking for events that somewhat hurt me- like baby showers? Will that taint the fun part of baking for me? God I hope not. The mother to be loves cheesecake- and there's really no talent required to bake cheesecakes. I bake cakes that are multiple layers, with different types of meringues and sauces. I'm sure my cakes would be devoured- so I have to make a choice. Bake the cake for me, or for her? One thought is to bake my own cakes, and make cake pops with cheesecake. That way, I can wrap them and they can be like favors. Everyone loves cake pops now.
Oh well, now I'm rambling. I hope you all have a great day.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Tired.
I don't have enough energy to write a full post. I didn't get much sleep last night, I have to meet a client this morning, and a side effect of Femara is fatigue- and I'm feeling it. Anyway, I was thinking about the movie Up this morning. Have you seen it? It's a great movie, and it has a poignant scene dealing with IF. If you haven't seen it, check it out.
Here's a shot from the IF scene- it portrays the emotions so well, despite being a cartoon/animated.
I don't have enough energy to write a full post. I didn't get much sleep last night, I have to meet a client this morning, and a side effect of Femara is fatigue- and I'm feeling it. Anyway, I was thinking about the movie Up this morning. Have you seen it? It's a great movie, and it has a poignant scene dealing with IF. If you haven't seen it, check it out.
Here's a shot from the IF scene- it portrays the emotions so well, despite being a cartoon/animated.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Another Day, Another Drug.
So I went back to the doctors on Monday, after Aunt Flow decided to visit on Saturday. We did an ultrasound and he wanted to prescribe me a different medicine to help with ovulation. Apparently my uterine lining was thin while on Clomid, so he wanted to try something else. He laid out my options, and I felt a little pressured to go with injections and IUI. I don't want to do that- I want to take things a bit more gradually so that I know I've tried everything possible before moving on to in vitro. So, I selected oral medications, with an HSG shot and timed sex. My doctor seemed a bit disappointed- which annoyed me. I think he makes more money with the more expensive treatments.
Anyhow, he prescribed me Letrozole, or Femara. It's a breast cancer drug, and one of it's off-label uses is to increase ovulation, with no side effect to the uterine label. I went home and researched the drug- apparently a Canadian study found that the use of Letrozole can significantly increase birth defects. Ugh. But a lot of doctors discount this study as being poorly done. Also, I can't figure out if the birth defect increase happens if a pregnant woman takes Letrozole, or if a woman is on Letrozole before getting pregnant. The half life of Letrozole is much less than Clomid, so theoretically it should be pretty much gone by the time we need to have timed sex. There are just so many questions.
I didn't have any crazy side effects with clomid- although I've been unable to focus at work, and wonder if that's related. I'm hoping I don't go crazy with this drug either.
Well, that's it for today. Hope you all are doing well.
So I went back to the doctors on Monday, after Aunt Flow decided to visit on Saturday. We did an ultrasound and he wanted to prescribe me a different medicine to help with ovulation. Apparently my uterine lining was thin while on Clomid, so he wanted to try something else. He laid out my options, and I felt a little pressured to go with injections and IUI. I don't want to do that- I want to take things a bit more gradually so that I know I've tried everything possible before moving on to in vitro. So, I selected oral medications, with an HSG shot and timed sex. My doctor seemed a bit disappointed- which annoyed me. I think he makes more money with the more expensive treatments.
Anyhow, he prescribed me Letrozole, or Femara. It's a breast cancer drug, and one of it's off-label uses is to increase ovulation, with no side effect to the uterine label. I went home and researched the drug- apparently a Canadian study found that the use of Letrozole can significantly increase birth defects. Ugh. But a lot of doctors discount this study as being poorly done. Also, I can't figure out if the birth defect increase happens if a pregnant woman takes Letrozole, or if a woman is on Letrozole before getting pregnant. The half life of Letrozole is much less than Clomid, so theoretically it should be pretty much gone by the time we need to have timed sex. There are just so many questions.
I didn't have any crazy side effects with clomid- although I've been unable to focus at work, and wonder if that's related. I'm hoping I don't go crazy with this drug either.
Well, that's it for today. Hope you all are doing well.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Losing Weight.
When we first met our doctor, he suggested I try to lose some weight. I'm pretty tall, and for most of my life was an average size. A few years ago I was diagnosed with a rare form of tumor in my cochlear, which caused me to go deaf in one ear. For some reason I sought food as comfort and it was showing. The doctor was right, I needed to lose some weight. I wasn't super morbidly obese or anything, but like most Americans, I was "plump."
So, I joined weight watchers. I've lost 16.5 pounds but I had hit a plateau. I continued to eat well, but the scale just wasn't moving. Last night it hit me- if I want a baby as bad as I do, why would I not be exercising to speed up the weight loss?
I hate exercising. Gyms aren't my thing. I don't know why- perhaps it's because I see them as a meat market- where men check out the women who are wearing makeup and skin tight clothes. I'm not one of those girls. I sweat, a lot. I also wear sweat pants and a baggy t-shirt, no lycra for this gal. As a result, I've really avoided the gym.
I am a member of a really nice gym next to my work. It's a great gym- with a rock wall, they give you clean towels, there's never a weight for machines, it has a pool, a very nice sauna for women, steam room, etc. But I never go. I have thought about cancelling more than a few times, but I never do it because I think one day I'll start.
But today I got up very early (well, I had to, to take my mom to the airport- she's going to eastern Europe). Then right afterwards, I hit up the gym. I walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Not much, considering I go on a nightly walk for longer. But I did it at a faster pace. Then I followed up with 30 minutes of strength training focusing on my legs.
I want to be pregnant, so I better be willing to do exactly what the doctor tells me- and if that's lose weight, then I'll do it.
When we first met our doctor, he suggested I try to lose some weight. I'm pretty tall, and for most of my life was an average size. A few years ago I was diagnosed with a rare form of tumor in my cochlear, which caused me to go deaf in one ear. For some reason I sought food as comfort and it was showing. The doctor was right, I needed to lose some weight. I wasn't super morbidly obese or anything, but like most Americans, I was "plump."
So, I joined weight watchers. I've lost 16.5 pounds but I had hit a plateau. I continued to eat well, but the scale just wasn't moving. Last night it hit me- if I want a baby as bad as I do, why would I not be exercising to speed up the weight loss?
I hate exercising. Gyms aren't my thing. I don't know why- perhaps it's because I see them as a meat market- where men check out the women who are wearing makeup and skin tight clothes. I'm not one of those girls. I sweat, a lot. I also wear sweat pants and a baggy t-shirt, no lycra for this gal. As a result, I've really avoided the gym.
I am a member of a really nice gym next to my work. It's a great gym- with a rock wall, they give you clean towels, there's never a weight for machines, it has a pool, a very nice sauna for women, steam room, etc. But I never go. I have thought about cancelling more than a few times, but I never do it because I think one day I'll start.
But today I got up very early (well, I had to, to take my mom to the airport- she's going to eastern Europe). Then right afterwards, I hit up the gym. I walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Not much, considering I go on a nightly walk for longer. But I did it at a faster pace. Then I followed up with 30 minutes of strength training focusing on my legs.
I want to be pregnant, so I better be willing to do exactly what the doctor tells me- and if that's lose weight, then I'll do it.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Date Night.
I have a long day ahead of me at work. Lots to do, deadlines to meet, things to prepare, etc. But today I'm looking forward to date night with my husband. Once we hit the 8 month TTC mark, it began to feel like our sex life was very scheduled. And it was/is. We try to combat that by having date nights when I'm not O. This reminds us that sex can just be fun and intimate, and doesn't need to be for a specific purpose.
Anyhow, we're going to a new place that opened up just down the street. I'm excited because they have Indian food (my fav), and my husband is happy because they have a lot of local beers on tap (his fav).
It's important to take time to stop thinking about TTC and just remember you're a couple in love. This is exactly what I need.
I have a long day ahead of me at work. Lots to do, deadlines to meet, things to prepare, etc. But today I'm looking forward to date night with my husband. Once we hit the 8 month TTC mark, it began to feel like our sex life was very scheduled. And it was/is. We try to combat that by having date nights when I'm not O. This reminds us that sex can just be fun and intimate, and doesn't need to be for a specific purpose.
Anyhow, we're going to a new place that opened up just down the street. I'm excited because they have Indian food (my fav), and my husband is happy because they have a lot of local beers on tap (his fav).
It's important to take time to stop thinking about TTC and just remember you're a couple in love. This is exactly what I need.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
BFN.
In the wee hours of morning yesterday I went in and underwent a blood pregnancy test (thankfully my doctor opens at 7). I knew I wasn't pregnant- I could just tell. I knew it a while ago and even commented on it in my previous posts. But deep down, I hoped I was wrong, I wished I was wrong, but I knew.
I was stuck in court all of yesterday, so I could not answer the phone when they called. I knew that would be the case, so I indicated they could tell me the results via voicemail. I knew it was bad news when my case manager called, and not the doctor. The doctor once told me he likes to be the one to tell his patients when they finally get pregnant.
Anyhow, so I'm not pregnant. We'll go through this ordeal for at least another month. I'm slightly upset, but I am still more hopeful than upset. It will happen when it's meant to happen.
In the wee hours of morning yesterday I went in and underwent a blood pregnancy test (thankfully my doctor opens at 7). I knew I wasn't pregnant- I could just tell. I knew it a while ago and even commented on it in my previous posts. But deep down, I hoped I was wrong, I wished I was wrong, but I knew.
I was stuck in court all of yesterday, so I could not answer the phone when they called. I knew that would be the case, so I indicated they could tell me the results via voicemail. I knew it was bad news when my case manager called, and not the doctor. The doctor once told me he likes to be the one to tell his patients when they finally get pregnant.
Anyhow, so I'm not pregnant. We'll go through this ordeal for at least another month. I'm slightly upset, but I am still more hopeful than upset. It will happen when it's meant to happen.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Relaxing Weekend.
I had a pretty relaxing weekend. I did a lot of this:
While hanging by the pool and looking at:
It was overall a nice weekend. I decided to tell the MIL what was going on. She only let me get so far as to say we've seen a doctor- before interrupting me a with a bunch of (unwanted) advice. Advice like, "just relax," and "have you tried timing sex?" Really ground breaking stuff. Ok, now I'm just being mean.
She didn't ask any questions and really didn't let me tell her what we've done or what we're doing- so I think my husband was right, his family just likes to pretend things are very "normal," even when they're not.
Tomorrow is the pregnancy test. I've had all of my regular period symptoms, so I'm expecting a BFN. But just in case, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Mother-in-law.
My mother-in-law is awesome. Let me say that again. My mother-in-law is freaking awesome. I love her to death. She is loving, supportive, honest, friendly, and just wonderful. This weekend we are going to go visit her for mother's day.
Last time we spent a couple of days with her was when the husband and I took his family on a skiing trip this winter. We booked a cabin and invited everyone up. The weekend was super fun- my husband has a lot of siblings, so we all had a great time.
But I began to see my mother-in-law is frustrated by the fact that we aren't pregnant. She kept mentioning that she has kept all of husband's baby clothes, his crib, all of his toys, etc so that when we get pregnant we can just have all of that stuff. She also gifted me a necklace with a pendant of St. Elizabeth (patron saint of pregnant women).
Here is what I was thinking: (1) I'd like our child to have his/her own identity, and not just be recreating husband's childhood- I want to have the child have elements of both the husband and I- but the way my mother-in-law approached it really upset me. I thought she just wanted to have husband jr. and not to include any part of me in the child. I know, I know, I'm being a bit over sensitive, but hey, this is a hot topic for me. (2) I'm not Catholic, but it was very nice and heartfelt to give me the pendant- she is Catholic and clearly believes if I wear the necklace I may get pregnant sooner.
I think the root of this issue is that my husband has told me he doesn't want me to talk about our infertility with his family. His family is full of secrets, they don't ask about things, they don't talk about difficult subjects, they just pretend everything is fine. My family is the complete opposite- if I want to know something, I ask, and I know I will get an honest and open answer. I wanted to know about sex as a tween, and both my mom and dad were open to any questions. I had questions about family members who had "issues" and I was told the truth. So it's hard for me not to simply talk about this situation with my mother-in-law.
She obviously wants to know what's going on, and I'd like to include her. I've had several discussions with the husband about it, and reluctantly agreed that if I REALLY wanted to talk to her about it, I could. But he knows his family best, and I trust him when he says that his family and his mother would think it strange to talk about our problem openly.
So as I prepare to see her this weekend, I find myself asking if I should talk to her about it because it will make me feel better (and may actually answer her questions), or if I should heed my husband's advice.
My mother-in-law is awesome. Let me say that again. My mother-in-law is freaking awesome. I love her to death. She is loving, supportive, honest, friendly, and just wonderful. This weekend we are going to go visit her for mother's day.
Last time we spent a couple of days with her was when the husband and I took his family on a skiing trip this winter. We booked a cabin and invited everyone up. The weekend was super fun- my husband has a lot of siblings, so we all had a great time.
But I began to see my mother-in-law is frustrated by the fact that we aren't pregnant. She kept mentioning that she has kept all of husband's baby clothes, his crib, all of his toys, etc so that when we get pregnant we can just have all of that stuff. She also gifted me a necklace with a pendant of St. Elizabeth (patron saint of pregnant women).
Here is what I was thinking: (1) I'd like our child to have his/her own identity, and not just be recreating husband's childhood- I want to have the child have elements of both the husband and I- but the way my mother-in-law approached it really upset me. I thought she just wanted to have husband jr. and not to include any part of me in the child. I know, I know, I'm being a bit over sensitive, but hey, this is a hot topic for me. (2) I'm not Catholic, but it was very nice and heartfelt to give me the pendant- she is Catholic and clearly believes if I wear the necklace I may get pregnant sooner.
I think the root of this issue is that my husband has told me he doesn't want me to talk about our infertility with his family. His family is full of secrets, they don't ask about things, they don't talk about difficult subjects, they just pretend everything is fine. My family is the complete opposite- if I want to know something, I ask, and I know I will get an honest and open answer. I wanted to know about sex as a tween, and both my mom and dad were open to any questions. I had questions about family members who had "issues" and I was told the truth. So it's hard for me not to simply talk about this situation with my mother-in-law.
She obviously wants to know what's going on, and I'd like to include her. I've had several discussions with the husband about it, and reluctantly agreed that if I REALLY wanted to talk to her about it, I could. But he knows his family best, and I trust him when he says that his family and his mother would think it strange to talk about our problem openly.
So as I prepare to see her this weekend, I find myself asking if I should talk to her about it because it will make me feel better (and may actually answer her questions), or if I should heed my husband's advice.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Cakes.
Since we're close to Mother's Day, cake wrecks did a special post. I know it's a sore day for us, but these images are pretty funny. Check them out.
http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2012/5/10/just-in-time-for-mothers-day-10-uterus-cakes.html
Since we're close to Mother's Day, cake wrecks did a special post. I know it's a sore day for us, but these images are pretty funny. Check them out.
http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2012/5/10/just-in-time-for-mothers-day-10-uterus-cakes.html
Baking.
As you know from my previous posts I am in the midst of the two week wait. On the suggestion of a kind reader, I figured I needed to start some sort of project. So I bought a cook book. Not just any cook book, but a beautiful book on cake. It is very complex but the recipes are from a cafe around here, and their cakes are TO DIE FOR. The cakes are very labor intensive, and generally recommended for pastry chefs, but I'm up for the challenge.
Baking has been a love of my life since I was a kid. There is something soothing in the measuring of flour, vanilla, eggs, etc. You can tell I'm stressed when I've whipped up three cakes in a night. I'm not half bad either- but I'd like to get better.
The book will arrive tomorrow (thank you Amazon Prime!). I will bake something next week (yes, technically outside of the two week wait). I figure the cake will be a "yay! we're happy we're pregnant!" or a "well, at least I can eat this delicious cake and have some champagne with it since I'm not pregnant." I promise either way to post pictures (assuming I can figure out how to do that).
I apologize for the late post. I had to get up SUPER early this morning- all because of my job. I'm an attorney, so I often have to travel to far away places. This morning was one of those days- up and out by 4:00 a.m. to be in court by 8:30 a.m. I didn't get back into the office until 2:30 p.m., but this was the first place I came, I promise.
As you know from my previous posts I am in the midst of the two week wait. On the suggestion of a kind reader, I figured I needed to start some sort of project. So I bought a cook book. Not just any cook book, but a beautiful book on cake. It is very complex but the recipes are from a cafe around here, and their cakes are TO DIE FOR. The cakes are very labor intensive, and generally recommended for pastry chefs, but I'm up for the challenge.
Baking has been a love of my life since I was a kid. There is something soothing in the measuring of flour, vanilla, eggs, etc. You can tell I'm stressed when I've whipped up three cakes in a night. I'm not half bad either- but I'd like to get better.
The book will arrive tomorrow (thank you Amazon Prime!). I will bake something next week (yes, technically outside of the two week wait). I figure the cake will be a "yay! we're happy we're pregnant!" or a "well, at least I can eat this delicious cake and have some champagne with it since I'm not pregnant." I promise either way to post pictures (assuming I can figure out how to do that).
I apologize for the late post. I had to get up SUPER early this morning- all because of my job. I'm an attorney, so I often have to travel to far away places. This morning was one of those days- up and out by 4:00 a.m. to be in court by 8:30 a.m. I didn't get back into the office until 2:30 p.m., but this was the first place I came, I promise.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
The Past-Future.
The past two years I've found it hard to plan for the future. There's always this lingering question of "what if I'm pregnant." Every time we went to plan a vacation we would ask that question. When we bought tickets to some event we asked that question.
Here's an example. In December 2011 we learned about a beer festival going on near our house the following May. We are both big fans of beer and this festival was guaranteed to sell out. So we wanted to buy tickets- but then we asked, "what if we're pregnant." I almost always respond with something like "well, that is so far out, I'll for sure be pregnant by then." We bought two tickets figuring my husband would have to go with someone else. Turns out, he didn't, I wasn't pregnant.
This has happened time and time again. I'm in the process of it now. We're going to Las Vegas with some friends in August. I'm really looking forward to the trip, but I hesitated a lot, because "of course I'll be pregnant then." But there's a good chance I won't be.
This whole process has made planning more difficult- although everything we go through is worth it in the end if we get a child.
The past two years I've found it hard to plan for the future. There's always this lingering question of "what if I'm pregnant." Every time we went to plan a vacation we would ask that question. When we bought tickets to some event we asked that question.
Here's an example. In December 2011 we learned about a beer festival going on near our house the following May. We are both big fans of beer and this festival was guaranteed to sell out. So we wanted to buy tickets- but then we asked, "what if we're pregnant." I almost always respond with something like "well, that is so far out, I'll for sure be pregnant by then." We bought two tickets figuring my husband would have to go with someone else. Turns out, he didn't, I wasn't pregnant.
This has happened time and time again. I'm in the process of it now. We're going to Las Vegas with some friends in August. I'm really looking forward to the trip, but I hesitated a lot, because "of course I'll be pregnant then." But there's a good chance I won't be.
This whole process has made planning more difficult- although everything we go through is worth it in the end if we get a child.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Baby Showers.
Many of my friends have had kids, many are pregnant. Several are due in a month or so. One of my closer friends is due later this month, and a cousin is due in June. It hit me the other day that I had not received baby shower invites from them. I was curious, so I logged onto Facebook and checked out their pages. Low and behold, there were pictures from both of their baby showers. For my cousin, other family members were clearly at the shower, but nobody mentioned it. For the friend, all of our common friends were there. I'm not quite sure what to make of this situation. I haven't had any falling out with them- in fact, I've hung out with them both recently.
It made me wonder: have my friends started to think of me as a bad omen so they don't invite me to showers? Do they think that my life will be easier if they don't invite me to their showers? It's a really crappy feeling- and it will probably get crappier until we get pregnant. I think I've mentioned that a VERY close friend of mine didn't even tell me she was pregnant- and then after I found out, she didn't even tell me she was having a girl. She wasn't keeping it a secret, everyone knew she was pregnant, but for some reason she didn't tell me. I never asked her why not, I figured it probably wasn't worth it.
What do you do in situation likes these where you aren't invited to showers? Do you call them up and ask about it- and just assume the invitation got lost in the mail? Do you just pretend everything is fine and don't ask them about it? Do you stop being their friends?
I'm not sure what to do.
Many of my friends have had kids, many are pregnant. Several are due in a month or so. One of my closer friends is due later this month, and a cousin is due in June. It hit me the other day that I had not received baby shower invites from them. I was curious, so I logged onto Facebook and checked out their pages. Low and behold, there were pictures from both of their baby showers. For my cousin, other family members were clearly at the shower, but nobody mentioned it. For the friend, all of our common friends were there. I'm not quite sure what to make of this situation. I haven't had any falling out with them- in fact, I've hung out with them both recently.
It made me wonder: have my friends started to think of me as a bad omen so they don't invite me to showers? Do they think that my life will be easier if they don't invite me to their showers? It's a really crappy feeling- and it will probably get crappier until we get pregnant. I think I've mentioned that a VERY close friend of mine didn't even tell me she was pregnant- and then after I found out, she didn't even tell me she was having a girl. She wasn't keeping it a secret, everyone knew she was pregnant, but for some reason she didn't tell me. I never asked her why not, I figured it probably wasn't worth it.
What do you do in situation likes these where you aren't invited to showers? Do you call them up and ask about it- and just assume the invitation got lost in the mail? Do you just pretend everything is fine and don't ask them about it? Do you stop being their friends?
I'm not sure what to do.
Monday, May 7, 2012
It's all mental- or is it?
I'm in the midst of the two week wait. I'll get a blood pregnancy test on the 15th, and it's hard not to think about it. I was very excited when the two week wait started, but now I'm gloomy and slightly depressed. I'm having all of my period symptoms.
I know that most period symptoms can also be pregnancy symptoms, and that's true for many of my symptoms, but not all. I get a few zits, I feel bloated with little cramps in my stomach, and then the tell tale sign is.. umm... let's say "digestive problems."
Yesterday morning I woke up to my digestive problems, and I knew deep down that I'm not pregnant. Then today the problem was still there, reinforcing my belief. I know it's too early to tell, but I would actually bet a lot of money on the fact that I'm not pregnant. I've been sick in the past, and when doctors told me I was fine, I knew there was something wrong- and one visit with a specialist confirmed my beliefs. I'm just in tune with my body- I know what's going on before the doctors do.
Since I know I'm not pregnant, I'm in a weird state- I'm heartbroken but still hopeful. I went to an amusement park yesterday with my husband and niece, and I stayed off all of the roller coasters. I'm still not eating the things I shouldn't be eating. I still take the reminding-you-that-you're-still-not-pregnant prenatal vitamins which I have been taking for two years. All of this with the hope, prayers, and wishful thinking that maybe the universe is playing a trick and I'll end up being pregnant. It's a glimmer of hope, but it grows dimmer by the day.
I wish I didn't have to work today, but I do- and actually that's probably a good thing, something to keep my mind off of this situation. Now, how am I going to do this for the next 8 days?
I'm in the midst of the two week wait. I'll get a blood pregnancy test on the 15th, and it's hard not to think about it. I was very excited when the two week wait started, but now I'm gloomy and slightly depressed. I'm having all of my period symptoms.
I know that most period symptoms can also be pregnancy symptoms, and that's true for many of my symptoms, but not all. I get a few zits, I feel bloated with little cramps in my stomach, and then the tell tale sign is.. umm... let's say "digestive problems."
Yesterday morning I woke up to my digestive problems, and I knew deep down that I'm not pregnant. Then today the problem was still there, reinforcing my belief. I know it's too early to tell, but I would actually bet a lot of money on the fact that I'm not pregnant. I've been sick in the past, and when doctors told me I was fine, I knew there was something wrong- and one visit with a specialist confirmed my beliefs. I'm just in tune with my body- I know what's going on before the doctors do.
Since I know I'm not pregnant, I'm in a weird state- I'm heartbroken but still hopeful. I went to an amusement park yesterday with my husband and niece, and I stayed off all of the roller coasters. I'm still not eating the things I shouldn't be eating. I still take the reminding-you-that-you're-still-not-pregnant prenatal vitamins which I have been taking for two years. All of this with the hope, prayers, and wishful thinking that maybe the universe is playing a trick and I'll end up being pregnant. It's a glimmer of hope, but it grows dimmer by the day.
I wish I didn't have to work today, but I do- and actually that's probably a good thing, something to keep my mind off of this situation. Now, how am I going to do this for the next 8 days?
Friday, May 4, 2012
Nieces.
I have two, absolutely adorable nieces, one from each of my sisters. My oldest sister is now pregnant with her second child, a boy. She TTC for 7 years before getting pregnant with my niece- luckily embryos were donated to her, so she was able to have children. My nieces are 6 and 2. They are such a joy- and so different.
The younger niece lives about 6-7 hours away, so I don't get to see her very often. The oldest niece (and unplanned niece), sister, and brother in law used to live in my city, but they moved up to Canada a little under a year ago. We used to see her several times a week, and she would often spend the night at our house. I've missed her so much in these past few months. I miss both of my nieces- they bring such a big smile to my face. I can't wait to have a child myself- these girls remind me of the preciousness that is childhood.
Anyway, my niece from Canada is visiting this weekend and I can barely contain myself. She's spending the night on Saturday- and we have a large list of things to do- make cookies, watch Pingu, go for a walk, go to the park, and finally, on Sunday, go to a local theme park. It'll be a busy weekend, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Besides, this will help me stop thinking about my May 15 pregnancy test!
Have a good weekend everyone.
I have two, absolutely adorable nieces, one from each of my sisters. My oldest sister is now pregnant with her second child, a boy. She TTC for 7 years before getting pregnant with my niece- luckily embryos were donated to her, so she was able to have children. My nieces are 6 and 2. They are such a joy- and so different.
The younger niece lives about 6-7 hours away, so I don't get to see her very often. The oldest niece (and unplanned niece), sister, and brother in law used to live in my city, but they moved up to Canada a little under a year ago. We used to see her several times a week, and she would often spend the night at our house. I've missed her so much in these past few months. I miss both of my nieces- they bring such a big smile to my face. I can't wait to have a child myself- these girls remind me of the preciousness that is childhood.
Anyway, my niece from Canada is visiting this weekend and I can barely contain myself. She's spending the night on Saturday- and we have a large list of things to do- make cookies, watch Pingu, go for a walk, go to the park, and finally, on Sunday, go to a local theme park. It'll be a busy weekend, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Besides, this will help me stop thinking about my May 15 pregnancy test!
Have a good weekend everyone.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Nervous Nelly.
I'm nervous. I had a doctor's appointment on Monday, and he gave me an HCG trigger shot, sent me home and told me and hubby to BD at midnight on Tuesday. We followed our doctor's orders to the T. Yesterday I called and made an appointment for a blood pregnancy test for the first possible day, the 15th. So now I wait. And wait.
I'm excited. I've had a sneaking suspicion that the reason why we didn't get pregnant was because we weren't timing sex right because I was so irregular. My cycles would last anywhere between 28 and 60 days, so figuring out when I was O was impossible. Also, we were using a clear blue easy fertility monitor, but since my cycles were so long, I often had to use two packs in one cycle- and miraculously, whenever I opened the second pack, the monitor would tell me I was ovulating. This was probably just because the sticks didn't come from the same production line- they're that sensitive.
Hubby and I did our best to remain very sexually active d uring the past 1.5 years, but with 60 day cycles, there are bound to be periods where you have sex maybe once a week. This is especially true when you consider we both work very demanding jobs, and work 60-80 hours a week- and most weekends. We usually get home around 7:30 or 8:00, and need to eat. By the time we're settled in, it's 10:00 and we're exhausted and need to get up the next morning at 6:30. Yes, something has got to give, and it will.
Anyway, I'm excited because this is the first time we know we BD when I was ovulating! Now, I know that even when you BD when you are ovulating, the chances of getting pregnant are something like 20%, so it's unlikely I'll get pregnant, but still- I'm so excited!
My friends and family members all tell me they just "knew" they were pregnant before they were tested. I keep trying to feel any signs of pregnancy (something I have done for the past 1.5 years). Nothing yet- but I keep hoping.
We'll know regardless on the 15th, and I can't wait. Fingers crossed!
I'm nervous. I had a doctor's appointment on Monday, and he gave me an HCG trigger shot, sent me home and told me and hubby to BD at midnight on Tuesday. We followed our doctor's orders to the T. Yesterday I called and made an appointment for a blood pregnancy test for the first possible day, the 15th. So now I wait. And wait.
I'm excited. I've had a sneaking suspicion that the reason why we didn't get pregnant was because we weren't timing sex right because I was so irregular. My cycles would last anywhere between 28 and 60 days, so figuring out when I was O was impossible. Also, we were using a clear blue easy fertility monitor, but since my cycles were so long, I often had to use two packs in one cycle- and miraculously, whenever I opened the second pack, the monitor would tell me I was ovulating. This was probably just because the sticks didn't come from the same production line- they're that sensitive.
Hubby and I did our best to remain very sexually active d uring the past 1.5 years, but with 60 day cycles, there are bound to be periods where you have sex maybe once a week. This is especially true when you consider we both work very demanding jobs, and work 60-80 hours a week- and most weekends. We usually get home around 7:30 or 8:00, and need to eat. By the time we're settled in, it's 10:00 and we're exhausted and need to get up the next morning at 6:30. Yes, something has got to give, and it will.
Anyway, I'm excited because this is the first time we know we BD when I was ovulating! Now, I know that even when you BD when you are ovulating, the chances of getting pregnant are something like 20%, so it's unlikely I'll get pregnant, but still- I'm so excited!
My friends and family members all tell me they just "knew" they were pregnant before they were tested. I keep trying to feel any signs of pregnancy (something I have done for the past 1.5 years). Nothing yet- but I keep hoping.
We'll know regardless on the 15th, and I can't wait. Fingers crossed!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Jealousy
How do you deal with jealousy?
I want to be the perfect person and simply be happy for our friends who get pregnant the first month trying, but the reality is, I'm jealous. I'm green with envy. It seems like everyone in my life is able to get pregnant without even blinking an eye. This isn't true, of course, some people tried for a while before conceiving, but my sense of perception is warped at the moment. And the problem is, I haven't found a way to deal with it, other than distance, not seeing my friends as often- but that's not really acceptable to me.
Jealousy is a constant internal struggle I have. I truly am happy for my friends, although I am simultaneously jealous and upset that I'm not there yet. The weight of the internal fight is heavy- there isn't a day when I don't think about babies, getting pregnant, and the fact that most of my friends already have two children. I haven't been able to simply just accept the joy for my friends- that that kills me. I am a supportive, loving, wonderful person, and I want to be a great friend, but it's hard right now.
I believe everyone has their own path to take- that the mass prescribed path is certainly not for everyone- but sometimes you just want what you want. I want to be pregnant. I want it so badly I can feel it in my bones. I think about it all the time. I dream about having children. I keep a little journal with potential baby names. And it's devastating to think there's really nothing I can do right now to get pregnant. My pregnancy is in the hands of my doctor.
The idea of releasing control to someone else doesn't bode well with me. I'm an A type personality. I came from a middle class family and worked hard for everything I have. I wanted to go to college, so I worked really hard in high school and got good grades and got into college- I made it happen. I wanted to go to graduate school, so I studied hard for the GMAT, did well, and got in- I made it happen. I wanted a good job, so I bunkered down, excelled in graduate school, and got a good job- I made it happen. I wanted to buy a house, so I slowly saved my nickels and dimes over 4 years, and I bought a house (well, a condo)- I made it happen. You see, my whole life, I was used to making things happen for myself. If I wanted something, I would just do it. But getting pregnant is out my my control at this point. I have to have complete faith in my doctor. It's hard.
It's harder still when you factor in these pangs of ripe jealousy. I feel like I'm betraying myself- I'm not that person who's not happy for her friends. I'm happy for them- but I can't stop being jealous. I'm still not sure how to deal with it.
How do you deal with jealousy?
I want to be the perfect person and simply be happy for our friends who get pregnant the first month trying, but the reality is, I'm jealous. I'm green with envy. It seems like everyone in my life is able to get pregnant without even blinking an eye. This isn't true, of course, some people tried for a while before conceiving, but my sense of perception is warped at the moment. And the problem is, I haven't found a way to deal with it, other than distance, not seeing my friends as often- but that's not really acceptable to me.
Jealousy is a constant internal struggle I have. I truly am happy for my friends, although I am simultaneously jealous and upset that I'm not there yet. The weight of the internal fight is heavy- there isn't a day when I don't think about babies, getting pregnant, and the fact that most of my friends already have two children. I haven't been able to simply just accept the joy for my friends- that that kills me. I am a supportive, loving, wonderful person, and I want to be a great friend, but it's hard right now.
I believe everyone has their own path to take- that the mass prescribed path is certainly not for everyone- but sometimes you just want what you want. I want to be pregnant. I want it so badly I can feel it in my bones. I think about it all the time. I dream about having children. I keep a little journal with potential baby names. And it's devastating to think there's really nothing I can do right now to get pregnant. My pregnancy is in the hands of my doctor.
The idea of releasing control to someone else doesn't bode well with me. I'm an A type personality. I came from a middle class family and worked hard for everything I have. I wanted to go to college, so I worked really hard in high school and got good grades and got into college- I made it happen. I wanted to go to graduate school, so I studied hard for the GMAT, did well, and got in- I made it happen. I wanted a good job, so I bunkered down, excelled in graduate school, and got a good job- I made it happen. I wanted to buy a house, so I slowly saved my nickels and dimes over 4 years, and I bought a house (well, a condo)- I made it happen. You see, my whole life, I was used to making things happen for myself. If I wanted something, I would just do it. But getting pregnant is out my my control at this point. I have to have complete faith in my doctor. It's hard.
It's harder still when you factor in these pangs of ripe jealousy. I feel like I'm betraying myself- I'm not that person who's not happy for her friends. I'm happy for them- but I can't stop being jealous. I'm still not sure how to deal with it.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Ink Blots
(Warning: Graphic Post)
I underwent an HSG last Friday. Before I went I prepared myself- meaning I read dozens of online comments from women who had undergone one. Now, in case you don't know, an HSG (hysterosalpingography) is a procedure where a doctor shoots a dye like material into your uterine to see if the material flows into your fallopian tubes. A lot of women experience infertility because their fallopian tubes are blocked, so this test checks to see if that's a problem.
I was a bit nervous- I had heard that the pain level varied depending on who you ask. I tend to deal well with pain, but I still was a bit nervous.
I arrived at the imaging center. I had called around to dozens of centers to find the cheapest. This one won at $240. As soon as I arrived I knew why it was the cheapest: it was undergoing renovations. It looked like the place hadn't been updated since the 80's- floral wallpaper, blue cabinets, etc. The place undergoing a massive renovation, so it seemed like a third world country- the ceiling tiles were removed, wires were everywhere, etc. I figured I wasn't going to pay an extra $100 to have a pretty office, and as long as the equipment worked, who cared? Besides, I would be laying on a table, naked under a gown, having some doctor look at my privates- I doubted the wall color would matter to me.
I was lead into a room and asked to change into just a hospital gown. When I came out I was directed to a table. I don't think it was meant for HSGs because there were no stirrups- I had to just place my feet directly on the table. I waited for a while and eventually the doctor came in. He was no nonsense, told me to lay down, knees up, and got right to it.
He inserted the speculum, which is, as most women know, just a wonderful experience (read: sarcasm). Once the speculum was in place, I peered to the side my knees and saw him pull out a LARGE, VERY LONG needle. I just about panicked- but somehow I held it together. I wasn't going to look anymore because the doctor knew what he was doing, and I didn't need to know all of the details.
The doctor talked me through the process- told me what he was doing. Next to me was the x-ray machine (I think that's what it is), so I could actually watch the dye as it was shot into my privates. It is amazing what we can do.
At some point the doctor told me I would feel a little pinch, so I took a deep breath, preparing for a little pinch. The doctor was a liar. I didn't feel a little pinch. I didn't feel a medium pinch. I didn't even feel a big pinch. I felt a stabbing my my vagina. It hurt like nothing I've ever felt before. It was bad enough for me to yelp out loud. But, it was a very short lived pain- as in just a few seconds, and I was better. The rest is a blur. The test doesn't take that long- maybe 10 minutes.
When he was done I was instructed to lay for a while so the dye could leak out. After about five minutes I sat up. The sheet under me was covered in the brown dye material. It was pretty darn nasty. I got up and went to meet the doctor.
I'm happy to report that the results came back positive- my tubes are not blocked.
(Warning: Graphic Post)
I underwent an HSG last Friday. Before I went I prepared myself- meaning I read dozens of online comments from women who had undergone one. Now, in case you don't know, an HSG (hysterosalpingography) is a procedure where a doctor shoots a dye like material into your uterine to see if the material flows into your fallopian tubes. A lot of women experience infertility because their fallopian tubes are blocked, so this test checks to see if that's a problem.
I was a bit nervous- I had heard that the pain level varied depending on who you ask. I tend to deal well with pain, but I still was a bit nervous.
I arrived at the imaging center. I had called around to dozens of centers to find the cheapest. This one won at $240. As soon as I arrived I knew why it was the cheapest: it was undergoing renovations. It looked like the place hadn't been updated since the 80's- floral wallpaper, blue cabinets, etc. The place undergoing a massive renovation, so it seemed like a third world country- the ceiling tiles were removed, wires were everywhere, etc. I figured I wasn't going to pay an extra $100 to have a pretty office, and as long as the equipment worked, who cared? Besides, I would be laying on a table, naked under a gown, having some doctor look at my privates- I doubted the wall color would matter to me.
I was lead into a room and asked to change into just a hospital gown. When I came out I was directed to a table. I don't think it was meant for HSGs because there were no stirrups- I had to just place my feet directly on the table. I waited for a while and eventually the doctor came in. He was no nonsense, told me to lay down, knees up, and got right to it.
He inserted the speculum, which is, as most women know, just a wonderful experience (read: sarcasm). Once the speculum was in place, I peered to the side my knees and saw him pull out a LARGE, VERY LONG needle. I just about panicked- but somehow I held it together. I wasn't going to look anymore because the doctor knew what he was doing, and I didn't need to know all of the details.
The doctor talked me through the process- told me what he was doing. Next to me was the x-ray machine (I think that's what it is), so I could actually watch the dye as it was shot into my privates. It is amazing what we can do.
At some point the doctor told me I would feel a little pinch, so I took a deep breath, preparing for a little pinch. The doctor was a liar. I didn't feel a little pinch. I didn't feel a medium pinch. I didn't even feel a big pinch. I felt a stabbing my my vagina. It hurt like nothing I've ever felt before. It was bad enough for me to yelp out loud. But, it was a very short lived pain- as in just a few seconds, and I was better. The rest is a blur. The test doesn't take that long- maybe 10 minutes.
When he was done I was instructed to lay for a while so the dye could leak out. After about five minutes I sat up. The sheet under me was covered in the brown dye material. It was pretty darn nasty. I got up and went to meet the doctor.
I'm happy to report that the results came back positive- my tubes are not blocked.
Baby Talk.
There are periods where I can go for days without having to talk about babies, pregnant friends, or trying to conceive. Then there are periods where it seems like that is all anyone is talking about. It is an all or nothing type of situation. I am in the midst of an "all" period.
I work in a male dominated area. I actually like it a lot. There's really not a lot of drama or gossip. The men talk about sports at lunch, not about getting pregnant or their newborn babies. That is, until last week.
I went to lunch with two male co-workers. One is married, with three kids (the youngest two are twins), and the other is about to get married. The conversation proceeded normally throughout lunch- we talked about sports, about our workplace, and on a project we are working on. It was when we started walking back that they started a funny conversation.
The man about to get married started talking about how his fiance wants to have children right away. The older of the two men then started to talk about how that's a good idea because after the age of 35, the chances of getting pregnant dwindle, and anyway, after 35 the babies are more prone to problems. Then they started talking about artificial insemination and IVF. The older man with twins commented that any time twins were born, it was likely because the couple used IVF or some assistance in getting pregnant. Finally, when I had enough, I said, "Hey guys, can we change the subject? I'm not getting any younger." They seemed a bit surprised by my comment, but luckily they changed the subject.
It was a surreal moment. I began to wonder why it was that they brought it up. Is this something that men think about as well? Was the man with twins trying to tell me in his own way that he had trouble conceiving? Did my comments give me away? It's frustrating to think that my situation is apparent to everyone around me, even (no offense) sometime clueless co-workers who only talk about how the Lakers and Cowboys are playing.
I take pride in being a private person (that's why this blog is hard for me). It is upsetting when I think that people I'm not really close with can read me and know the situation I'm in. I haven't told anyone at work- so they hadn't heard it from anyone. I wonder if I am doing something, if I look at baby pictures too long, if I say things in a way that give me away. I wish I knew so I would be able to turn it on and off. I like the escape of my work, and I'd like to keep it just that- an escape from this infertility process. I just need to figure out how to do that.
There are periods where I can go for days without having to talk about babies, pregnant friends, or trying to conceive. Then there are periods where it seems like that is all anyone is talking about. It is an all or nothing type of situation. I am in the midst of an "all" period.
I work in a male dominated area. I actually like it a lot. There's really not a lot of drama or gossip. The men talk about sports at lunch, not about getting pregnant or their newborn babies. That is, until last week.
I went to lunch with two male co-workers. One is married, with three kids (the youngest two are twins), and the other is about to get married. The conversation proceeded normally throughout lunch- we talked about sports, about our workplace, and on a project we are working on. It was when we started walking back that they started a funny conversation.
The man about to get married started talking about how his fiance wants to have children right away. The older of the two men then started to talk about how that's a good idea because after the age of 35, the chances of getting pregnant dwindle, and anyway, after 35 the babies are more prone to problems. Then they started talking about artificial insemination and IVF. The older man with twins commented that any time twins were born, it was likely because the couple used IVF or some assistance in getting pregnant. Finally, when I had enough, I said, "Hey guys, can we change the subject? I'm not getting any younger." They seemed a bit surprised by my comment, but luckily they changed the subject.
It was a surreal moment. I began to wonder why it was that they brought it up. Is this something that men think about as well? Was the man with twins trying to tell me in his own way that he had trouble conceiving? Did my comments give me away? It's frustrating to think that my situation is apparent to everyone around me, even (no offense) sometime clueless co-workers who only talk about how the Lakers and Cowboys are playing.
I take pride in being a private person (that's why this blog is hard for me). It is upsetting when I think that people I'm not really close with can read me and know the situation I'm in. I haven't told anyone at work- so they hadn't heard it from anyone. I wonder if I am doing something, if I look at baby pictures too long, if I say things in a way that give me away. I wish I knew so I would be able to turn it on and off. I like the escape of my work, and I'd like to keep it just that- an escape from this infertility process. I just need to figure out how to do that.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Blog Awards. A fellow blogger nominated me for a blog award- thank you MRHK Musings. So I'm going to keep the bandwagon going and follow the rules (sort-of).
So the rules are as follows:
So the rules are as follows:
- Share who gave you this award to you with a link back to their blog (above)
- Write down 7 random facts about yourself.
- Give this award to other bloggers.
- Let them know they’ve won
- Pop the award on your blog
- I am fluent in Italian. I lived over there for several years and was even engaged to an Italian man. But I missed my family too much so I moved back to the USA.
- I am heavily addicted to cinamon gum. I seriously cannot have a pack of it because I will eat the entire pack in 30 minutes. It's become a joke between my husband and I!
- I love beer. I love beer like a lot of people love wine. In fact, I am a certified beer server, certified by Cicerone- which is similiar to the first level sommelier certification. I don't work in the field, but one day on a dare I just took the test without taking any class- and I passed.
- I started a book club. I love to read, so I got a few girlfriends to get together and start a book club.
- My favorite color is either red or blue, depending on my mood. But I can't stand purple.
- I love dogs, was raised with them, and love them so much. We live in a small condo and don't have room to have one, and I wish we did.
- I work way too much. I have a good career, but I end up working 60-70 hour week every week, and have for the past 6 years. It gets old and I would love to go part time, but with these looming expenses, student debt, and living in a very expensive area, we can't afford to live off of one salary.
The Sperm are Swimmers!
The husband got his test results back- his sperm are healthy, strong, and ready to go! I could see the relief fall across his face when he got the news. He's been very upset and bothered by this whole process and I thought it was because he was worried about his "manhood." Now that he's got a clean bill of health he's back to normal- very interested and supportive. I'm glad to have him back.
Tomorrow I go in for my HSG. I'm a little worried about that. I've heard that they are no big deal, that some women feel the pain is worse than child birth, etc. I've scheduled it for 10:00 a.m., so I'll have to go into work afterwards. Hope it goes well!
The husband got his test results back- his sperm are healthy, strong, and ready to go! I could see the relief fall across his face when he got the news. He's been very upset and bothered by this whole process and I thought it was because he was worried about his "manhood." Now that he's got a clean bill of health he's back to normal- very interested and supportive. I'm glad to have him back.
Tomorrow I go in for my HSG. I'm a little worried about that. I've heard that they are no big deal, that some women feel the pain is worse than child birth, etc. I've scheduled it for 10:00 a.m., so I'll have to go into work afterwards. Hope it goes well!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
TTC 1 year, 3 months, 23 days
Facebook
Ahh Facebook. The place you go to keep in touch with your long lost high school friends, to see where everyone else ended up, and to keep tabs on your distant family. It's a great place, I know what's going on in my cousin's life even though she is thousands of miles away and we haven't spoken over the phone in years (she is much older than I am, and we were raised in different parts of the country).
But you know what? Every time I log onto Facebook there's another damn baby announcement. Every time I log on, there's a sense of slight dread. Friends from high school all have kids. Friends in my current life making announcements. Pictures of ultrasounds posted everywhere.
I'm happy for these people, seriously I am. But sometimes you just want to have a baby-announcement-free trip to Facebook.
I have a few friends who don't have kids/aren't pregnant. Although it's unspoken, I feel like we try to make our lives look extravagant and interesting on Facebook, perhaps to compete with the pregnancy announcements. Friends without babies check-in at nice restaurants/hotels, they take trips and post pictures of the trips and themselves drinking, they update their status with cool, chick sayings. But eventually they just sort of stop posting. As my friends start having their second and third child, they simply don't have time for Facebook, and logging in loses it's luster just a little bit. So even the friends without kids start logging on.
Perhaps the solution is to go cold turkey with Facebook- just be done with it. But I seriously enjoy reading about family and friends, especially the ones I am not close with. In reality I should just get over the jealousy and take my own path in life- but I'm not there yet. I'll get there.
For the record, I have 291 friends on Facebook. 133 are female friends. 61 have kids or are pregnant. 72 do not. Doesn't sound too bad, right? Of the 72, 59 are either not married or are in a same-sex relationship. So, out of the 146 straight, married female friends, 133 are pregnant or already have kids. That's 91%, folks.
Ahh Facebook. The place you go to keep in touch with your long lost high school friends, to see where everyone else ended up, and to keep tabs on your distant family. It's a great place, I know what's going on in my cousin's life even though she is thousands of miles away and we haven't spoken over the phone in years (she is much older than I am, and we were raised in different parts of the country).
But you know what? Every time I log onto Facebook there's another damn baby announcement. Every time I log on, there's a sense of slight dread. Friends from high school all have kids. Friends in my current life making announcements. Pictures of ultrasounds posted everywhere.
I'm happy for these people, seriously I am. But sometimes you just want to have a baby-announcement-free trip to Facebook.
I have a few friends who don't have kids/aren't pregnant. Although it's unspoken, I feel like we try to make our lives look extravagant and interesting on Facebook, perhaps to compete with the pregnancy announcements. Friends without babies check-in at nice restaurants/hotels, they take trips and post pictures of the trips and themselves drinking, they update their status with cool, chick sayings. But eventually they just sort of stop posting. As my friends start having their second and third child, they simply don't have time for Facebook, and logging in loses it's luster just a little bit. So even the friends without kids start logging on.
Perhaps the solution is to go cold turkey with Facebook- just be done with it. But I seriously enjoy reading about family and friends, especially the ones I am not close with. In reality I should just get over the jealousy and take my own path in life- but I'm not there yet. I'll get there.
For the record, I have 291 friends on Facebook. 133 are female friends. 61 have kids or are pregnant. 72 do not. Doesn't sound too bad, right? Of the 72, 59 are either not married or are in a same-sex relationship. So, out of the 146 straight, married female friends, 133 are pregnant or already have kids. That's 91%, folks.
Monday, April 23, 2012
TTC: 1 year 3 months 22 days
Today is my first day on clomid. I'm to take 2 tablets a day for 5 days. Friday I go in for my HSG, and on Saturday I go into the doctor and schedule a trigger shot.
We're still waiting for my husband's results. We went to the doctor on Saturday, and they indicated the lab had lost the results. They didn't seem upset by it, and didn't recommend taking another sample. I'd like to call in today to get the results, but my husband told me he'd like to wait until Saturday so it doesn't mess up his week.
We had some somber news this weekend. Husband's boss's mom passed away. She's only 3 years older than my mom, so that's always eye opening. I've known my husband's boss since I was a child, so this is affecting me a lot.
I could use some good news. If the sperm results are good, that would be nice. Another part of me feels like if the news is bad, I might as well find out now, and not drag this somber period out any longer. But what if I call and the news is bad? Do I not tell my husband and wait until Saturday to have the doctor tell him?
All of these questions are just whirling around in my head. Maybe one day my head will be filled with more answers than questions. Probably not.
Today is my first day on clomid. I'm to take 2 tablets a day for 5 days. Friday I go in for my HSG, and on Saturday I go into the doctor and schedule a trigger shot.
We're still waiting for my husband's results. We went to the doctor on Saturday, and they indicated the lab had lost the results. They didn't seem upset by it, and didn't recommend taking another sample. I'd like to call in today to get the results, but my husband told me he'd like to wait until Saturday so it doesn't mess up his week.
We had some somber news this weekend. Husband's boss's mom passed away. She's only 3 years older than my mom, so that's always eye opening. I've known my husband's boss since I was a child, so this is affecting me a lot.
I could use some good news. If the sperm results are good, that would be nice. Another part of me feels like if the news is bad, I might as well find out now, and not drag this somber period out any longer. But what if I call and the news is bad? Do I not tell my husband and wait until Saturday to have the doctor tell him?
All of these questions are just whirling around in my head. Maybe one day my head will be filled with more answers than questions. Probably not.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
TTC 1 year, 3 months, 20 days
Quiet Families.
My family is loud. The complete opposite of quiet. Each and every single family member firmly believes that if they speak the loudest, everyone will believe whatever it is they are saying.
Our dinners are a fiasco. My brother will make some sort of political jab in an effort to engage my dad. Dad will ignore the comment and try to start a conversation on a new science article he read. Mom will be talking loudly about her work. Sisters will be gossiping. Step mother will be talking about the latest book she read. The nieces will be running around and yelling. No topic is off limits. We talk about EVERYTHING. If there is an elephant in the room, every single member of my family will comment upon it and ask questions. Religion? We'll go there. Politics? The bigger the argument the better. Sex? Yup, open for discussion. Everything.
Until now.
My husband and I had dated for a long time before we got engaged. We had a long engagement, and were peppered with the occasional question about when we were going to try for kids. The occasional peppering became constant the second after we were married. Brothers, sisters, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins twice removed- EVERYONE wanted to know when we were going to have kids. It wasn't just our families- co-workers, friends, and honestly perfect strangers wanted to know. We couldn't take two steps without fielding a question.
But then the questions stopped.
One day I woke up and realized that nobody had asked me that question in a long time. We had started TTC six months after we were married (although we were off birth control almost immediately). And at about 1 year after we were married the questions stopped. I think people at some point assume you're trying (not a big assumption- I'm 32, LOVE kids, both have a stable job, been together for 7 years), but just haven't been able to conceive. So, the questions stop.
The questions don't turn into questions about what's happening, but they just stop completely. All of a sudden my family ignores the fact that I'm the absolute best Auntie in the world, and never seems to mention kids around me.
They also tread lightly when telling me others are pregnant. My cousin-in-law got married two weeks before we did- yup, she's preggars and due in July. I was a bridesmaid in my dear friend's wedding in November of last year- she got pregnant 1 month later and didn't tell me- I had to hear it from my husband (that will be another post). My sister got pregnant in January and people still don't talk about it to me.
I know that as I move forward in this journey, it will get harder and eventually easier to handle these situations. But for now, I simply sit back and observe the silence.
Quiet Families.
My family is loud. The complete opposite of quiet. Each and every single family member firmly believes that if they speak the loudest, everyone will believe whatever it is they are saying.
Our dinners are a fiasco. My brother will make some sort of political jab in an effort to engage my dad. Dad will ignore the comment and try to start a conversation on a new science article he read. Mom will be talking loudly about her work. Sisters will be gossiping. Step mother will be talking about the latest book she read. The nieces will be running around and yelling. No topic is off limits. We talk about EVERYTHING. If there is an elephant in the room, every single member of my family will comment upon it and ask questions. Religion? We'll go there. Politics? The bigger the argument the better. Sex? Yup, open for discussion. Everything.
Until now.
My husband and I had dated for a long time before we got engaged. We had a long engagement, and were peppered with the occasional question about when we were going to try for kids. The occasional peppering became constant the second after we were married. Brothers, sisters, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins twice removed- EVERYONE wanted to know when we were going to have kids. It wasn't just our families- co-workers, friends, and honestly perfect strangers wanted to know. We couldn't take two steps without fielding a question.
But then the questions stopped.
One day I woke up and realized that nobody had asked me that question in a long time. We had started TTC six months after we were married (although we were off birth control almost immediately). And at about 1 year after we were married the questions stopped. I think people at some point assume you're trying (not a big assumption- I'm 32, LOVE kids, both have a stable job, been together for 7 years), but just haven't been able to conceive. So, the questions stop.
The questions don't turn into questions about what's happening, but they just stop completely. All of a sudden my family ignores the fact that I'm the absolute best Auntie in the world, and never seems to mention kids around me.
They also tread lightly when telling me others are pregnant. My cousin-in-law got married two weeks before we did- yup, she's preggars and due in July. I was a bridesmaid in my dear friend's wedding in November of last year- she got pregnant 1 month later and didn't tell me- I had to hear it from my husband (that will be another post). My sister got pregnant in January and people still don't talk about it to me.
I know that as I move forward in this journey, it will get harder and eventually easier to handle these situations. But for now, I simply sit back and observe the silence.
Friday, April 20, 2012
TTC 1 year, 3 months, 19 days
Who knew infertility would force you to become a mathematician.
I'm generally not a pessimist, but one thing that sucks about this entire process is health insurance. Break out your calculators and old math books, cause you're gonna need them.
I have a good job. I work for a large company and have pretty good health care coverage. But apparently I have no infertility coverage. None, zip, niente. Apparently this is normal. And, let me tell you, it sucks.
We have a deductible of $1,000 per year. Beyond that there's a 20% co-insurance. The testing I'm undergoing is covered by my insurance, but once it is no longer testing but is officially treatment, that won't be covered. Where is that line? Apparently nobody knows. In the meantime, my doctor's office is charging me 20% of the total office visits, the remainder of the balance, which I have been told by my insurance company, will simply be forwarded on to me until I hit the $1,000 mark.
So, the other day I had blood tests and a transuterine ultrasound. The office visit cost a total of $650, I paid $128. Our initial visit was $200, and I paid $50. So, by my naive calculations, I will get the bill for the entire $850, and will be well on my way to meeting my deductible. Awesome. Except, apparently as soon as I hit the $1,000 I will officially be in treatment- so no coverage.
So we have to sit down and determine if we should proceed with running things through insurance, or if we should go the cash route. When things get billed through insurance, the doctors charge an incredible amount, knowing the insurance company will pay just a fraction (as in about 10%) of that. If you offer to pay for things in cash, as opposed to insurance, the doctors will knock off 50% of their insurance price. So the end result is that doctors tend to push you towards the cash price, telling you it's much cheaper. But it's not that simple.
Let's we assume I am going to incur $10,000 in medical treatment. If I pay with cash, I will pay $5,000 (50%) of the total amount, and none of that will go towards my deductible. If I run it through insurance I will have to pay $1,000 (deductible) plus 20% of whatever the insurance negotiated rate is. If we assume the insurance negotiated rate is $1,000, then I would pay a total of 1,200 (1,000 + 200). Running it through insurance is cheaper.
The equation is simple enough- but then you add in two "moving targets." The first is, I never know when I'm going to be deemed as in treatment by my insurance company, and once that happens, I have to pay 100% of the total. So, let's say I incur $10,000 in medical treatment. I pay the $1,000 deductible and the insurance company then decides I'm in treatment- I'm still on the hook for the remaining $9,000 (unless the doctor cuts me a break).
The other moving target is knowing what the lower negotiated insurance rate is. Everyone will tell you what they are going to bill the insurance company- NOBODY will tell you what their contract with the insurance company says in terms of how much the insurance company will pay until after you've incurred the cost. Because of my job, I know that the amount the insurance company will pay is already decided before you undergo the treatment- but for some reason that information is secret and you won't get it.
If you don't know when you're insurance is going to cut you off, and if you don't know the negotiated insurance contract rate, you really can't do any of the equations. Instead, you're left doing hundreds of calculations to determine at what point would it be more cost effective to pay cash vs. insurance.
Later I'll have to add in the whole medical expenses deduction factors- if you pay over a certain percentage of your gross adjusted income in medical expenses, you can write them off. I think it's anything over 7.5% of your AGI, but I'm not sure. To be honest, I'm not really sure what my AGI is. I hate hate hate math and taxes, so the less I have to do with them, the better.
These calculations have conjured up images of my 7th grade algebra teacher- and let me tell you, nothing is less sexy.
Who knew infertility would force you to become a mathematician.
I'm generally not a pessimist, but one thing that sucks about this entire process is health insurance. Break out your calculators and old math books, cause you're gonna need them.
I have a good job. I work for a large company and have pretty good health care coverage. But apparently I have no infertility coverage. None, zip, niente. Apparently this is normal. And, let me tell you, it sucks.
We have a deductible of $1,000 per year. Beyond that there's a 20% co-insurance. The testing I'm undergoing is covered by my insurance, but once it is no longer testing but is officially treatment, that won't be covered. Where is that line? Apparently nobody knows. In the meantime, my doctor's office is charging me 20% of the total office visits, the remainder of the balance, which I have been told by my insurance company, will simply be forwarded on to me until I hit the $1,000 mark.
So, the other day I had blood tests and a transuterine ultrasound. The office visit cost a total of $650, I paid $128. Our initial visit was $200, and I paid $50. So, by my naive calculations, I will get the bill for the entire $850, and will be well on my way to meeting my deductible. Awesome. Except, apparently as soon as I hit the $1,000 I will officially be in treatment- so no coverage.
So we have to sit down and determine if we should proceed with running things through insurance, or if we should go the cash route. When things get billed through insurance, the doctors charge an incredible amount, knowing the insurance company will pay just a fraction (as in about 10%) of that. If you offer to pay for things in cash, as opposed to insurance, the doctors will knock off 50% of their insurance price. So the end result is that doctors tend to push you towards the cash price, telling you it's much cheaper. But it's not that simple.
Let's we assume I am going to incur $10,000 in medical treatment. If I pay with cash, I will pay $5,000 (50%) of the total amount, and none of that will go towards my deductible. If I run it through insurance I will have to pay $1,000 (deductible) plus 20% of whatever the insurance negotiated rate is. If we assume the insurance negotiated rate is $1,000, then I would pay a total of 1,200 (1,000 + 200). Running it through insurance is cheaper.
The equation is simple enough- but then you add in two "moving targets." The first is, I never know when I'm going to be deemed as in treatment by my insurance company, and once that happens, I have to pay 100% of the total. So, let's say I incur $10,000 in medical treatment. I pay the $1,000 deductible and the insurance company then decides I'm in treatment- I'm still on the hook for the remaining $9,000 (unless the doctor cuts me a break).
The other moving target is knowing what the lower negotiated insurance rate is. Everyone will tell you what they are going to bill the insurance company- NOBODY will tell you what their contract with the insurance company says in terms of how much the insurance company will pay until after you've incurred the cost. Because of my job, I know that the amount the insurance company will pay is already decided before you undergo the treatment- but for some reason that information is secret and you won't get it.
If you don't know when you're insurance is going to cut you off, and if you don't know the negotiated insurance contract rate, you really can't do any of the equations. Instead, you're left doing hundreds of calculations to determine at what point would it be more cost effective to pay cash vs. insurance.
Later I'll have to add in the whole medical expenses deduction factors- if you pay over a certain percentage of your gross adjusted income in medical expenses, you can write them off. I think it's anything over 7.5% of your AGI, but I'm not sure. To be honest, I'm not really sure what my AGI is. I hate hate hate math and taxes, so the less I have to do with them, the better.
These calculations have conjured up images of my 7th grade algebra teacher- and let me tell you, nothing is less sexy.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
TTC: 1 year, 3 months, 18 days
Sperm Marathon
So husband's sperm analysis is being performed today. He dutifully made his appointment for 8:00 a.m. this morning, was handed a paper bag and told to collect his semen and bring it to the doctor's office within an hour. I got up extra early and let him do his thing. And despite the pornos that some people may have in their minds, there is no "hot nurse" no :dirty magazines," just a paper sack with a collection cup, and a small sample of mineral oil to assist.
We'll know in a few days whether there's a problem with the sperm. It seems very easy for men- they take one test, if all is well, then clearly it's a problem with the woman. Women, on the other hand, have to undergo what seems like endless tests to get a potential diagnosis. My theory is, we're just very complicated beings, and one test simply won't do it.
I'm not sure if I should be hoping the sperm analysis comes back good or bad. If the answer is as simple as there's a problem with the sperm, then we've saved ourselves a long arduous process of testing for the purposes of diagnosis. On the other hand, men seem to think that sperm count is a direct tie to their manliness. No matter how much I tell the husband that it doesn't matter to me if there is a problem with his sperm, he doesn't seem to really believe me.
We'll see how it goes. In the meantime, the sperm race is on.
Sperm Marathon
So husband's sperm analysis is being performed today. He dutifully made his appointment for 8:00 a.m. this morning, was handed a paper bag and told to collect his semen and bring it to the doctor's office within an hour. I got up extra early and let him do his thing. And despite the pornos that some people may have in their minds, there is no "hot nurse" no :dirty magazines," just a paper sack with a collection cup, and a small sample of mineral oil to assist.
We'll know in a few days whether there's a problem with the sperm. It seems very easy for men- they take one test, if all is well, then clearly it's a problem with the woman. Women, on the other hand, have to undergo what seems like endless tests to get a potential diagnosis. My theory is, we're just very complicated beings, and one test simply won't do it.
I'm not sure if I should be hoping the sperm analysis comes back good or bad. If the answer is as simple as there's a problem with the sperm, then we've saved ourselves a long arduous process of testing for the purposes of diagnosis. On the other hand, men seem to think that sperm count is a direct tie to their manliness. No matter how much I tell the husband that it doesn't matter to me if there is a problem with his sperm, he doesn't seem to really believe me.
We'll see how it goes. In the meantime, the sperm race is on.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
TTC: 1 year, 3 months, 17 days
Irregular periods.
Through this process I've tracked more information about my cycle than I prefer to admit. Period flows, cervical mucus, fertility monitor status, when I have sore breasts, when I feel sick, when I have cramps, etc. I've come to know my body better than ever before. But after all these months of tracking and taking notes, I've come to the conclusion, that really, I don't know much about my cycle.
I do know, I have irregular periods.
What does that mean? For me, it means cycle lengths that vary from 29-47 days long. It means my period can last anywhere from 3-7 days long. It means I have no regular peak fertility cycle. It means that some cycles I need to break out the super heavy duty tampons, and sometimes a light pad will work.
It's frustrating. If I had a regular cycle, things would be much easier. We'd be able to gauge, with some sort of certainty my fertile days. But alas, my body is a mystery, and it's frustrating.
Take today for example. I went to the doctors ready to start my clomid challenge test, but I've been only spotting for three days, and am still not having a full flow- required to start the test. The nurse asks if this spotting is normal for me- and my answer is simply, nothing's normal for me. Some months I spot, others I don't. Life would be easier if I could just say, "why yes, this is normal" or "no, this isn't."
Perhaps the irregularity is contributing to our inability to get pregnant. I'd love to be like my countless friends, who have regular periods, calculate their fertile days, and voila, they're pregnant the next month.
But this is the path I will walk, the one that I'm in.
<a href="http://www.hypersmash.com%22%3ehypersmash.com%3c/a>
Irregular periods.
Through this process I've tracked more information about my cycle than I prefer to admit. Period flows, cervical mucus, fertility monitor status, when I have sore breasts, when I feel sick, when I have cramps, etc. I've come to know my body better than ever before. But after all these months of tracking and taking notes, I've come to the conclusion, that really, I don't know much about my cycle.
I do know, I have irregular periods.
What does that mean? For me, it means cycle lengths that vary from 29-47 days long. It means my period can last anywhere from 3-7 days long. It means I have no regular peak fertility cycle. It means that some cycles I need to break out the super heavy duty tampons, and sometimes a light pad will work.
It's frustrating. If I had a regular cycle, things would be much easier. We'd be able to gauge, with some sort of certainty my fertile days. But alas, my body is a mystery, and it's frustrating.
Take today for example. I went to the doctors ready to start my clomid challenge test, but I've been only spotting for three days, and am still not having a full flow- required to start the test. The nurse asks if this spotting is normal for me- and my answer is simply, nothing's normal for me. Some months I spot, others I don't. Life would be easier if I could just say, "why yes, this is normal" or "no, this isn't."
Perhaps the irregularity is contributing to our inability to get pregnant. I'd love to be like my countless friends, who have regular periods, calculate their fertile days, and voila, they're pregnant the next month.
But this is the path I will walk, the one that I'm in.
<a href="http://www.hypersmash.com%22%3ehypersmash.com%3c/a>
TTC: 1 year, 3 months, 17 days
So here it goes. My first post. I'm not much of a blogger, indeed, not much of a "sharer." I never kept a journal, I tend to keep my secrets close to my heart, and rarely share them with anyone. But this journey may be different. It's a hard journey. One I travel with my loving husband. But we've agreed to not tell our friends and family our story for now, so I'm left wanting to talk about my experience, but unable to do so. That's when I decided to take it digital and anonymous. So here we go.
My first post will be a short timeline of TTC/lives to date.
2001- Informed by random nurse practioner that I may have PCOS- although she performed no tests to confirm the same. I don't follow up.
2004- Met the husband while in school.
2006- We went on our first date.
2009- Husband proposes in the most romantic fashion ever.
10/9/2010- We got married.
12/2010- We got off birth control.
1/1/2011- We're officially TTC. We purchased the ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor to assist us in this endeavor.
2/2012- We get concerned and decide to make an appointment with a fertility specialist the first appointment available is a month away.
3/30/2012- We meet with our fertility specialist. He goes over the process, what to expect, and then rushes us into the financial coordinator's office to discuss just how much this is all going to cost. Details and numbers fly around the room, and after we leave, Husband and I are more confused than before, and still have no real concept about how much this is going to cost. Darn insurance companies/health insurance industry.
4/18/12- I have an appointment to start Clomid challenge test. I've been spotting for three days, but my full flow isn't here yet. Doctor decides he can't start Clomid challenge test until I've got a full flow. He performs a vaginal ultrasound (talk about uncomfortable), and tells me my ovaries look good. I also give a blood sample so he can see if I'm pregnant (two pregnancy tests this month say I'm not).
So here it goes. My first post. I'm not much of a blogger, indeed, not much of a "sharer." I never kept a journal, I tend to keep my secrets close to my heart, and rarely share them with anyone. But this journey may be different. It's a hard journey. One I travel with my loving husband. But we've agreed to not tell our friends and family our story for now, so I'm left wanting to talk about my experience, but unable to do so. That's when I decided to take it digital and anonymous. So here we go.
My first post will be a short timeline of TTC/lives to date.
2001- Informed by random nurse practioner that I may have PCOS- although she performed no tests to confirm the same. I don't follow up.
2004- Met the husband while in school.
2006- We went on our first date.
2009- Husband proposes in the most romantic fashion ever.
10/9/2010- We got married.
12/2010- We got off birth control.
1/1/2011- We're officially TTC. We purchased the ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor to assist us in this endeavor.
2/2012- We get concerned and decide to make an appointment with a fertility specialist the first appointment available is a month away.
3/30/2012- We meet with our fertility specialist. He goes over the process, what to expect, and then rushes us into the financial coordinator's office to discuss just how much this is all going to cost. Details and numbers fly around the room, and after we leave, Husband and I are more confused than before, and still have no real concept about how much this is going to cost. Darn insurance companies/health insurance industry.
4/18/12- I have an appointment to start Clomid challenge test. I've been spotting for three days, but my full flow isn't here yet. Doctor decides he can't start Clomid challenge test until I've got a full flow. He performs a vaginal ultrasound (talk about uncomfortable), and tells me my ovaries look good. I also give a blood sample so he can see if I'm pregnant (two pregnancy tests this month say I'm not).
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