Jealousy

How do you deal with jealousy?

I want to be the perfect person and simply be happy for our friends who get pregnant the first month trying, but the reality is, I'm jealous.  I'm green with envy.  It seems like everyone in my life is able to get pregnant without even blinking an eye.  This isn't true, of course, some people tried for a while before conceiving, but my sense of perception is warped at the moment. And the problem is, I haven't found a way to deal with it, other than distance, not seeing my friends as often- but that's not really acceptable to me.

Jealousy is a constant internal struggle I have.  I truly am happy for my friends, although I am simultaneously jealous and upset that I'm not there yet.  The weight of the internal fight is heavy- there isn't a day when I don't think about babies, getting pregnant, and the fact that most of my friends already have two children.  I haven't been able to simply just accept the joy for my friends- that that kills me.  I am a supportive, loving, wonderful person, and I want to be a great friend, but it's hard right now.

I believe everyone has their own path to take- that the mass prescribed path is certainly not for everyone- but sometimes you just want what you want. I want to be pregnant.  I want it so badly I can feel it in my bones.  I think about it all the time.  I dream about having children.  I keep a little journal with potential baby names.  And it's devastating to think there's really nothing I can do right now to get pregnant.  My pregnancy is in the hands of my doctor.

The idea of releasing control to someone else doesn't bode well with me.  I'm an A type personality.  I came from a middle class family and worked hard for everything I have.  I wanted to go to college, so I worked really hard in high school and got good grades and got into college- I made it happen.  I wanted to go to graduate school, so I studied hard for the GMAT, did well, and got in- I made it happen. I wanted a good job, so I bunkered down, excelled in graduate school, and got a good job- I made it happen.  I wanted to buy a house, so I slowly saved my nickels and dimes over 4 years, and I bought a house (well, a condo)- I made it happen.  You see, my whole life, I was used to making things happen for myself.  If I wanted something, I would just do it.  But getting pregnant is out my my control at this point.  I have to have complete faith in my doctor.  It's hard.

It's harder still when you factor in these pangs of ripe jealousy.  I feel like I'm betraying myself- I'm not that person who's not happy for her friends.  I'm happy for them- but I can't stop being jealous.  I'm still not sure how to deal with it.