Baby Talk.

There are periods where I can go for days without having to talk about babies, pregnant friends, or trying to conceive.  Then there are periods where it seems like that is all anyone is talking about.  It is an all or nothing type of situation.  I am in the midst of an "all" period. 

I work in a male dominated area.  I actually like it a lot.  There's really not a lot of drama or gossip.  The men talk about sports at lunch, not about getting pregnant or their newborn babies.  That is, until last week.

I went to lunch with two male co-workers.  One is married, with three kids (the youngest two are twins), and the other is about to get married.  The conversation proceeded normally throughout lunch- we talked about sports, about our workplace, and on a project we are working on.  It was when we started walking back that they started a funny conversation. 

The man about to get married started talking about how his fiance wants to have children right away.  The older of the two men then started to talk about how that's a good idea because after the age of 35, the chances of getting pregnant dwindle, and anyway, after 35 the babies are more prone to problems.  Then they started talking about artificial insemination and IVF. The older man with twins commented that any time twins were born, it was likely because the couple used IVF or some assistance in getting pregnant. Finally, when I had enough, I said, "Hey guys, can we change the subject? I'm not getting any younger."  They seemed a bit surprised by my comment, but luckily they changed the subject.

It was a surreal moment.  I began to wonder why it was that they brought it up.  Is this something that men think about as well?  Was the man with twins trying to tell me in his own way that he had trouble conceiving? Did my comments give me away?  It's frustrating to think that my situation is apparent to everyone around me, even (no offense) sometime clueless co-workers who only talk about how the Lakers and Cowboys are playing.

I take pride in being a private person (that's why this blog is hard for me).  It is upsetting when I think that people I'm not really close with can read me and know the situation I'm in.  I haven't told anyone at work- so they hadn't heard it from anyone.  I wonder if I am doing something, if I look at baby pictures too long, if I say things in a way that give me away.  I wish I knew so I would be able to turn it on and off.  I like the escape of my work, and I'd like to keep it just that- an escape from this infertility process.  I just need to figure out how to do that.