Date Night.

I have a long day ahead of me at work.  Lots to do, deadlines to meet, things to prepare, etc.  But today I'm looking forward to date night with my husband.  Once we hit the 8 month TTC mark, it began to feel like our sex life was very scheduled.  And it was/is.  We try to combat that by having date nights when I'm not O.  This reminds us that sex can just be fun and intimate, and doesn't need to be for a specific purpose.

Anyhow, we're going to a new place that opened up just down the street.  I'm excited because they have Indian food (my fav), and my husband is happy because they have a lot of local beers on tap (his fav).

It's important to take time to stop thinking about TTC and just remember you're a couple in love.  This is exactly what I need.

BFN.

In the wee hours of morning yesterday I went in and underwent a blood pregnancy test (thankfully my doctor opens at 7).  I knew I wasn't pregnant- I could just tell.  I knew it a while ago and even commented on it in my previous posts.  But deep down, I hoped I was wrong, I wished I was wrong, but I knew. 

I was stuck in court all of yesterday, so I could not answer the phone when they called.  I knew that would be the case, so I indicated they could tell me the results via voicemail.  I knew it was bad news when my case manager called, and not the doctor.  The doctor once told me he likes to be the one to tell his patients when they finally get pregnant.

Anyhow, so I'm not pregnant.  We'll go through this ordeal for at least another month.  I'm slightly upset, but I am still more hopeful than upset.  It will happen when it's meant to happen.

Relaxing Weekend.

I had a pretty relaxing weekend.  I did a lot of this:

While hanging by the pool and looking at:

It was overall a nice weekend.  I decided to tell the MIL what was going on.  She only let me get so far as to say we've seen a doctor- before interrupting me a with a bunch of (unwanted) advice.  Advice like, "just relax," and "have you tried timing sex?"  Really ground breaking stuff.  Ok, now I'm just being mean.

She didn't ask any questions and really didn't let me tell her what we've done or what we're doing- so I think my husband was right, his family just likes to pretend things are very "normal," even when they're not.

Tomorrow is the pregnancy test.  I've had all of my regular period symptoms, so I'm expecting a BFN.  But just in case, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Mother-in-law.

My mother-in-law is awesome.  Let me say that again.  My mother-in-law is freaking awesome.  I love her to death.  She is loving, supportive, honest, friendly, and just wonderful.  This weekend we are going to go visit her for mother's day.

Last time we spent a couple of days with her was when the husband and I took his family on a skiing trip this winter.  We booked a cabin and invited everyone up.  The weekend was super fun- my husband has a lot of siblings, so we all had a great time.

But I began to see my mother-in-law is frustrated by the fact that we aren't pregnant.  She kept mentioning that she has kept all of husband's baby clothes, his crib, all of his toys, etc so that when we get pregnant we can just have all of that stuff.  She also gifted me a necklace with a pendant of St. Elizabeth (patron saint of pregnant women).

Here is what I was thinking: (1) I'd like our child to have his/her own identity, and not just be recreating husband's childhood- I want to have the child have elements of both the husband and I- but the way my mother-in-law approached it really upset me.  I thought she just wanted to have husband jr. and not to include any part of me in the child.  I know, I know, I'm being a bit over sensitive, but hey, this is a hot topic for me.  (2) I'm not Catholic, but it was very nice and heartfelt to give me the pendant- she is Catholic and clearly believes if I wear the necklace I may get pregnant sooner.

I think the root of this issue is that my husband has told me he doesn't want me to talk about our infertility with his family.  His family is full of secrets, they don't ask about things, they don't talk about difficult subjects, they just pretend everything is fine.  My family is the complete opposite- if I want to know something, I ask, and I know I will get an honest and open answer.  I wanted to know about sex as a tween, and both my mom and dad were open to any questions.  I had questions about family members who had "issues" and I was told the truth.  So it's hard for me not to simply talk about this situation with my mother-in-law.

She obviously wants to know what's going on, and I'd like to include her.  I've had several discussions with the husband about it, and reluctantly agreed that if I REALLY wanted to talk to her about it, I could.  But he knows his family best, and I trust him when he says that his family and his mother would think it strange to talk about our problem openly.

So as I prepare to see her this weekend, I find myself asking if I should talk to her about it because it will make me feel better (and may actually answer her questions), or if I should heed my husband's advice.

Cakes.

Since we're close to Mother's Day, cake wrecks did a special post.  I know it's a sore day for us, but these images are pretty funny.  Check them out.

http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2012/5/10/just-in-time-for-mothers-day-10-uterus-cakes.html

Baking.

As you know from my previous posts I am in the midst of the two week wait.  On the suggestion of a kind reader, I figured I needed to start some sort of project.  So I bought a cook book.  Not just any cook book, but a beautiful book on cake.  It is very complex but the recipes are from a cafe around here, and their cakes are TO DIE FOR.  The cakes are very labor intensive, and generally recommended for pastry chefs, but I'm up for the challenge. 

Baking has been a love of my life since I was a kid.  There is something soothing in the measuring of flour, vanilla, eggs, etc.  You can tell I'm stressed when I've whipped up three cakes in a night.  I'm not half bad either- but I'd like to get better.

The book will arrive tomorrow (thank you Amazon Prime!).  I will bake something next week (yes, technically outside of the two week wait).  I figure the cake will be a "yay! we're happy we're pregnant!" or a "well, at least I can eat this delicious cake and have some champagne with it since I'm not pregnant." I promise either way to post pictures (assuming I can figure out how to do that).

I apologize for the late post.  I had to get up SUPER early this morning- all because of my job.  I'm an attorney, so I often have to travel to far away places.  This morning was one of those days- up and out by 4:00 a.m. to be in court by 8:30 a.m.  I didn't get back into the office until 2:30 p.m., but this was the first place I came, I promise.

The Past-Future.

The past two years I've found it hard to plan for the future.  There's always this lingering question of "what if I'm pregnant."  Every time we went to plan a vacation we would ask that question.  When we bought tickets to some event we asked that question. 

Here's an example.  In December 2011 we learned about a beer festival going on near our house the following May.  We are both big fans of beer and this festival was guaranteed to sell out.  So we wanted to buy tickets- but then we asked, "what if we're pregnant." I almost always respond with something like "well, that is so far out, I'll for sure be pregnant by then."  We bought two tickets figuring my husband would have to go with someone else.  Turns out, he didn't, I wasn't pregnant.

This has happened time and time again.  I'm in the process of it now.  We're going to Las Vegas with some friends in August.  I'm really looking forward to the trip, but I hesitated a lot, because "of course I'll be pregnant then."  But there's a good chance I won't be.

This whole process has made planning more difficult- although everything we go through is worth it in the end if we get a child.