I love being thick.

Well, at least having a thick lining- which I do today- 9 mm! My follicules are slightly small, with the largest one around 14mm.  We were sent home and ordered to have date night tomorrow night.  Saturday I'll get the HSG shot and then we'll try again on Sunday.

I have a good feeling about this cycle.  Keep your fingers crossed!

Sisters.

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend- and hopefully it was a long one!  I had a good time, although my husband ended up working the entire time- I swear he's going to burn out.  My sister F came from Canada, and we had a good time together. 

I picked her up from the airport, and on the way back home she just said so many wrong things.  She doesn't mean to, I'm sure she's supportive and loving, but her comments just really stung.  She would continually bring up babies, and how "oh, so and so hasn't been able to get pregnant, maybe that's a sign she shouldn't be a mother."  "Oh, I completely forgot so and so was pregnant, but it's not really theirs, so it doesn't really count."  And "DH and I are thinking of having another kid- since the last one was an accident, we have the chance to actually time this one the way we want!"

I just kept quiet and continued to drive.  She knows I've been trying for so long to get pregnant, so I'm not sure why she would be so insensitive.  My sister has been known to be overly competitive.  My oldest sister got engaged, and F had to beat her to the alter.  That marriage didn't last.  Then 8 years later I got engaged, and F again had to beat me to the alter.  My eldest sister had a lot of trouble conceiving, and as soon as my sister F found out, she "accidentally" ended up pregnant.

She has a lot of issues she needs to work out, and normally they don't bother me- I'm pretty secure in where I am in life and happy with what I've accomplished.  But those comments really upset me.

I just drove her to my Mom's house and went home- where I found a bowl of Hagen Daaz vanilla bean ice cream, prepared for me by my husband (who I had called upset once I had dropped off F). 

The next day my sister apologized, so I suppose she understood her comments were out of line.  I forgave her- I always forgive her.  She is, after all, my sister.

Like Water for Chocolate.

I'm in a book club, and it's a lot of fun.  It's a bunch of girls and we all get together and drink wine and discuss the book we've selected for the month.

One of the girls is pregnant, and the book club decided that the next meeting should be a surprise baby shower for her.  I suppose I knew this was coming, but I didn't really think about it.  Anyway, as they were planning the shower, someone mentioned that I am a talented baker and had made some friends' wedding cakes- so they asked me to make the cake for the shower. 

Images from Like Water for Chocolate came to mind- you know, the scene where she cries into the wedding cake she is preparing for her lover who is marrying someone else.  All the guests eat the cake and begin crying, feeling the same sense of loneliness and unhappiness. 

I imagined crying into my cake, and wondered if anyone would feel my sense of loss over IF.  This was just  a quick thought, quickly brushed away.

But then I really began to think- I love baking.  I love it more than I love the practice of law.  I could bake for hours and hours and it never gets old.  I like the structure, the creativity and the expression on people's faces when they eat something I've baked.  As an attorney, usually when people talk to me it's because something has happened and they would rather not know me.  I once had a very nice client, who told me, very honestly, at the end of her case, "you are a great person, and I hope I never have to see you again."  I get that- nobody likes lawyers.  But baking is different- it's accepted with gratitude.  It's an escape from reality for me.

What if I get stuck baking for events that somewhat hurt me- like baby showers? Will that taint the fun part of baking for me? God I hope not.   The mother to be loves cheesecake- and there's really no talent required to bake cheesecakes.  I bake cakes that are multiple layers, with different types of meringues and sauces.  I'm sure my cakes would be devoured- so I have to make a choice.  Bake the cake for me, or for her?  One thought is to bake my own cakes, and make cake pops with cheesecake.  That way, I can wrap them and they can be like favors.  Everyone loves cake pops now.

Oh well, now I'm rambling.   I hope you all have a great day.

Tired.

I don't have enough energy to write a full post.  I didn't get much sleep last night, I have to meet a client this morning, and a side effect of Femara is fatigue- and I'm feeling it.  Anyway, I was thinking about the movie Up this morning.  Have you seen it? It's a great movie, and it has a poignant scene dealing with IF.  If you haven't seen it, check it out.

Here's a shot from the IF scene- it portrays the emotions so well, despite being a cartoon/animated.

Another Day, Another Drug.

So I went back to the doctors on Monday, after Aunt Flow decided to visit on Saturday.  We did an ultrasound and he wanted to prescribe me a different medicine to help with ovulation.  Apparently my uterine lining was thin while on Clomid, so he wanted to try something else.  He laid out my options, and I felt a little pressured to go with injections and IUI.  I don't want to do that- I want to take things a bit more gradually so that I know I've tried everything possible before moving on to in vitro.  So, I selected oral medications, with an HSG shot and timed sex.  My doctor seemed a bit disappointed- which annoyed me.  I think he makes more money with the more expensive treatments.

Anyhow, he prescribed me Letrozole, or Femara.  It's a breast cancer drug, and one of it's off-label uses is to increase ovulation, with no side effect to the uterine label.  I went home and researched the drug- apparently a Canadian study found that the use of Letrozole can significantly increase birth defects.  Ugh.  But a lot of doctors discount this study as being poorly done.  Also, I can't figure out if the birth defect increase happens if a pregnant woman takes Letrozole, or if a woman is on Letrozole before getting pregnant.  The half life of Letrozole is much less than Clomid, so theoretically it should be pretty much gone by the time we need to have timed sex.  There are just so many questions.

I didn't have any crazy side effects with clomid- although I've been unable to focus at work, and wonder if that's related.  I'm hoping I don't go crazy with this drug either.

Well, that's it for today.  Hope you all are doing well.

Losing Weight.

When we first met our doctor, he suggested I try to lose some weight. I'm pretty tall, and for most of my life was an average size.  A few years ago I was diagnosed with a rare form of tumor in my cochlear, which caused me to go deaf in one ear.  For some reason I sought food as comfort and it was showing.  The doctor was right, I needed to lose some weight.  I wasn't super morbidly obese or anything, but like most Americans, I was "plump."

So, I joined weight watchers.  I've lost 16.5 pounds but I had hit a plateau.  I continued to eat well, but the scale just wasn't moving.  Last night it hit me- if I want a baby as bad as I do, why would I not be exercising to speed up the weight loss?

I hate exercising.  Gyms aren't my thing.  I don't know why- perhaps it's because I see them as a meat market- where men check out the women who are wearing makeup and skin tight clothes.  I'm not one of those girls.  I sweat, a lot.  I also wear sweat pants and a baggy t-shirt, no lycra for this gal.  As a result, I've really avoided the gym.

I am a member of a really nice gym next to my work.  It's a great gym- with a rock wall, they give you clean towels, there's never a weight for machines, it has a pool, a very nice sauna for women, steam room, etc.  But I never go.  I have thought about cancelling more than a few times, but I never do it because I think one day I'll start.

But today I got up very early (well, I had to, to take my mom to the airport- she's going to eastern Europe).  Then right afterwards, I hit up the gym.  I walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes.  Not much, considering I go on a nightly walk for longer.  But I did it at a faster pace.  Then I followed up with 30 minutes of strength training focusing on my legs.

I want to be pregnant, so I better be willing to do exactly what the doctor tells me- and if that's lose weight, then I'll do it.

Date Night.

I have a long day ahead of me at work.  Lots to do, deadlines to meet, things to prepare, etc.  But today I'm looking forward to date night with my husband.  Once we hit the 8 month TTC mark, it began to feel like our sex life was very scheduled.  And it was/is.  We try to combat that by having date nights when I'm not O.  This reminds us that sex can just be fun and intimate, and doesn't need to be for a specific purpose.

Anyhow, we're going to a new place that opened up just down the street.  I'm excited because they have Indian food (my fav), and my husband is happy because they have a lot of local beers on tap (his fav).

It's important to take time to stop thinking about TTC and just remember you're a couple in love.  This is exactly what I need.

BFN.

In the wee hours of morning yesterday I went in and underwent a blood pregnancy test (thankfully my doctor opens at 7).  I knew I wasn't pregnant- I could just tell.  I knew it a while ago and even commented on it in my previous posts.  But deep down, I hoped I was wrong, I wished I was wrong, but I knew. 

I was stuck in court all of yesterday, so I could not answer the phone when they called.  I knew that would be the case, so I indicated they could tell me the results via voicemail.  I knew it was bad news when my case manager called, and not the doctor.  The doctor once told me he likes to be the one to tell his patients when they finally get pregnant.

Anyhow, so I'm not pregnant.  We'll go through this ordeal for at least another month.  I'm slightly upset, but I am still more hopeful than upset.  It will happen when it's meant to happen.

Relaxing Weekend.

I had a pretty relaxing weekend.  I did a lot of this:

While hanging by the pool and looking at:

It was overall a nice weekend.  I decided to tell the MIL what was going on.  She only let me get so far as to say we've seen a doctor- before interrupting me a with a bunch of (unwanted) advice.  Advice like, "just relax," and "have you tried timing sex?"  Really ground breaking stuff.  Ok, now I'm just being mean.

She didn't ask any questions and really didn't let me tell her what we've done or what we're doing- so I think my husband was right, his family just likes to pretend things are very "normal," even when they're not.

Tomorrow is the pregnancy test.  I've had all of my regular period symptoms, so I'm expecting a BFN.  But just in case, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Mother-in-law.

My mother-in-law is awesome.  Let me say that again.  My mother-in-law is freaking awesome.  I love her to death.  She is loving, supportive, honest, friendly, and just wonderful.  This weekend we are going to go visit her for mother's day.

Last time we spent a couple of days with her was when the husband and I took his family on a skiing trip this winter.  We booked a cabin and invited everyone up.  The weekend was super fun- my husband has a lot of siblings, so we all had a great time.

But I began to see my mother-in-law is frustrated by the fact that we aren't pregnant.  She kept mentioning that she has kept all of husband's baby clothes, his crib, all of his toys, etc so that when we get pregnant we can just have all of that stuff.  She also gifted me a necklace with a pendant of St. Elizabeth (patron saint of pregnant women).

Here is what I was thinking: (1) I'd like our child to have his/her own identity, and not just be recreating husband's childhood- I want to have the child have elements of both the husband and I- but the way my mother-in-law approached it really upset me.  I thought she just wanted to have husband jr. and not to include any part of me in the child.  I know, I know, I'm being a bit over sensitive, but hey, this is a hot topic for me.  (2) I'm not Catholic, but it was very nice and heartfelt to give me the pendant- she is Catholic and clearly believes if I wear the necklace I may get pregnant sooner.

I think the root of this issue is that my husband has told me he doesn't want me to talk about our infertility with his family.  His family is full of secrets, they don't ask about things, they don't talk about difficult subjects, they just pretend everything is fine.  My family is the complete opposite- if I want to know something, I ask, and I know I will get an honest and open answer.  I wanted to know about sex as a tween, and both my mom and dad were open to any questions.  I had questions about family members who had "issues" and I was told the truth.  So it's hard for me not to simply talk about this situation with my mother-in-law.

She obviously wants to know what's going on, and I'd like to include her.  I've had several discussions with the husband about it, and reluctantly agreed that if I REALLY wanted to talk to her about it, I could.  But he knows his family best, and I trust him when he says that his family and his mother would think it strange to talk about our problem openly.

So as I prepare to see her this weekend, I find myself asking if I should talk to her about it because it will make me feel better (and may actually answer her questions), or if I should heed my husband's advice.

Cakes.

Since we're close to Mother's Day, cake wrecks did a special post.  I know it's a sore day for us, but these images are pretty funny.  Check them out.

http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2012/5/10/just-in-time-for-mothers-day-10-uterus-cakes.html

Baking.

As you know from my previous posts I am in the midst of the two week wait.  On the suggestion of a kind reader, I figured I needed to start some sort of project.  So I bought a cook book.  Not just any cook book, but a beautiful book on cake.  It is very complex but the recipes are from a cafe around here, and their cakes are TO DIE FOR.  The cakes are very labor intensive, and generally recommended for pastry chefs, but I'm up for the challenge. 

Baking has been a love of my life since I was a kid.  There is something soothing in the measuring of flour, vanilla, eggs, etc.  You can tell I'm stressed when I've whipped up three cakes in a night.  I'm not half bad either- but I'd like to get better.

The book will arrive tomorrow (thank you Amazon Prime!).  I will bake something next week (yes, technically outside of the two week wait).  I figure the cake will be a "yay! we're happy we're pregnant!" or a "well, at least I can eat this delicious cake and have some champagne with it since I'm not pregnant." I promise either way to post pictures (assuming I can figure out how to do that).

I apologize for the late post.  I had to get up SUPER early this morning- all because of my job.  I'm an attorney, so I often have to travel to far away places.  This morning was one of those days- up and out by 4:00 a.m. to be in court by 8:30 a.m.  I didn't get back into the office until 2:30 p.m., but this was the first place I came, I promise.

The Past-Future.

The past two years I've found it hard to plan for the future.  There's always this lingering question of "what if I'm pregnant."  Every time we went to plan a vacation we would ask that question.  When we bought tickets to some event we asked that question. 

Here's an example.  In December 2011 we learned about a beer festival going on near our house the following May.  We are both big fans of beer and this festival was guaranteed to sell out.  So we wanted to buy tickets- but then we asked, "what if we're pregnant." I almost always respond with something like "well, that is so far out, I'll for sure be pregnant by then."  We bought two tickets figuring my husband would have to go with someone else.  Turns out, he didn't, I wasn't pregnant.

This has happened time and time again.  I'm in the process of it now.  We're going to Las Vegas with some friends in August.  I'm really looking forward to the trip, but I hesitated a lot, because "of course I'll be pregnant then."  But there's a good chance I won't be.

This whole process has made planning more difficult- although everything we go through is worth it in the end if we get a child.

Baby Showers.

Many of my friends have had kids, many are pregnant.  Several are due in a month or so.  One of my closer friends is due later this month, and a cousin is due in June.  It hit me the other day that I had not received baby shower invites from them.  I was curious, so I logged onto Facebook and checked out their pages.  Low and behold, there were pictures from both of their baby showers. For my cousin, other family members were clearly at the shower, but nobody mentioned it.  For the friend, all of our common friends were there.  I'm not quite sure what to make of this situation.  I haven't had any falling out with them- in fact, I've hung out with them both recently.

It made me wonder: have my friends started to think of me as a bad omen so they don't invite me to showers? Do they think that my life will be easier if they don't invite me to their showers? It's a really crappy feeling- and it will probably get crappier until we get pregnant.  I think I've mentioned that a VERY close friend of mine didn't even tell me she was pregnant- and then after I found out, she didn't even tell me she was having a girl.  She wasn't keeping it a secret, everyone knew she was pregnant, but for some reason she didn't tell me.  I never asked her why not, I figured it probably wasn't worth it.

What do you do in situation likes these where you aren't invited to showers? Do you call them up and ask about it- and just assume the invitation got lost in the mail?  Do you just pretend everything is fine and don't ask them about it? Do you stop being their friends?

I'm not sure what to do.

It's all mental- or is it?

I'm in the midst of the two week wait.  I'll get a blood pregnancy test on the 15th, and it's hard not to think about it.  I was very excited when the two week wait started, but now I'm gloomy and slightly depressed.  I'm having all of my period symptoms. 

I know that most period symptoms can also be pregnancy symptoms, and that's true for many of my symptoms, but not all.  I get a few zits, I feel bloated with little cramps in my stomach, and then the tell tale sign is.. umm... let's say "digestive problems." 

Yesterday morning I woke up to my digestive problems, and I knew deep down that I'm not pregnant.  Then today the problem was still there, reinforcing my belief.  I know it's too early to tell, but I would actually bet a lot of money on the fact that I'm not pregnant.   I've been sick in the past, and when doctors told me I was fine, I knew there was something wrong- and one visit with a specialist confirmed my beliefs.  I'm just in tune with my body- I know what's going on before the doctors do.

Since I know I'm not pregnant, I'm in a weird state- I'm heartbroken but still hopeful.  I went to an amusement park yesterday with my husband and niece, and I stayed off all of the roller coasters.  I'm still not eating the things I shouldn't be eating.  I still take the reminding-you-that-you're-still-not-pregnant prenatal vitamins which I have been taking for two years.  All of this with the hope, prayers, and wishful thinking that maybe the universe is playing a trick and I'll end up being pregnant.  It's a glimmer of hope, but it grows dimmer by the day.

I wish I didn't have to work today, but I do- and actually that's probably a good thing, something to keep my mind off of this situation.  Now, how am I going to do this for the next 8 days?

Nieces.

I have two, absolutely adorable nieces, one from each of my sisters.  My oldest sister is now pregnant with her second child, a boy.  She TTC for 7 years before getting pregnant with my niece- luckily embryos were donated to her, so she was able to have children.  My nieces are 6 and 2.  They are such a joy- and so different. 

The younger niece lives about 6-7 hours away, so I don't get to see her very often. The oldest niece (and unplanned niece), sister, and brother in law used to live in my city, but they moved up to Canada a little under a year ago.  We used to see her several times a week, and she would often spend the night at our house.  I've missed her so much in these past few months. I miss both of my nieces- they bring such a big smile to my face.  I can't wait to have a child myself- these girls remind me of the preciousness that is childhood.

Anyway, my niece from Canada is visiting this weekend and I can barely contain myself.  She's spending the night on Saturday- and we have a large list of things to do- make cookies, watch Pingu, go for a walk, go to the park, and finally, on Sunday, go to a local theme park.  It'll be a busy weekend, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  Besides, this will help me stop thinking about my May 15 pregnancy test!

Have a good weekend everyone.

Nervous Nelly.

I'm nervous.  I had a doctor's appointment on Monday, and he gave me an HCG trigger shot, sent me home and told me and hubby to BD at midnight on Tuesday.  We followed our doctor's orders to the T.  Yesterday I called and made an appointment for a blood pregnancy test for the first possible day, the 15th.  So now I wait.  And wait.

I'm excited.  I've had a sneaking suspicion that the reason why we didn't get pregnant was because we weren't timing sex right because I was so irregular.  My cycles would last anywhere between 28 and 60 days, so figuring out when I was O was impossible.  Also, we were using a clear blue easy fertility monitor, but since my cycles were so long, I often had to use two packs in one cycle- and miraculously, whenever I opened the second pack, the monitor would tell me I was ovulating.  This was probably just because the sticks didn't come from the same production line- they're that sensitive.

Hubby and I did our best to remain very sexually active d uring the past 1.5 years, but with 60 day cycles, there are bound to be periods where you have sex maybe once a week.  This is especially true when you consider we both work very demanding jobs, and work 60-80 hours a week- and most weekends. We usually get home around 7:30 or 8:00, and need to eat.  By the time we're settled in, it's 10:00 and we're exhausted and need to get up the next morning at 6:30.  Yes, something has got to give, and it will.

Anyway, I'm excited because this is the first time we know we BD when I was ovulating!  Now, I know that even when you BD when you are ovulating, the chances of getting pregnant are something like 20%, so it's unlikely I'll get pregnant, but still- I'm so excited!

My friends and family members all tell me they just "knew" they were pregnant before they were tested.  I keep trying to feel any signs of pregnancy (something I have done for the past 1.5 years).  Nothing yet- but I keep hoping.

We'll know regardless on the 15th, and I can't wait.  Fingers crossed!

Jealousy

How do you deal with jealousy?

I want to be the perfect person and simply be happy for our friends who get pregnant the first month trying, but the reality is, I'm jealous.  I'm green with envy.  It seems like everyone in my life is able to get pregnant without even blinking an eye.  This isn't true, of course, some people tried for a while before conceiving, but my sense of perception is warped at the moment. And the problem is, I haven't found a way to deal with it, other than distance, not seeing my friends as often- but that's not really acceptable to me.

Jealousy is a constant internal struggle I have.  I truly am happy for my friends, although I am simultaneously jealous and upset that I'm not there yet.  The weight of the internal fight is heavy- there isn't a day when I don't think about babies, getting pregnant, and the fact that most of my friends already have two children.  I haven't been able to simply just accept the joy for my friends- that that kills me.  I am a supportive, loving, wonderful person, and I want to be a great friend, but it's hard right now.

I believe everyone has their own path to take- that the mass prescribed path is certainly not for everyone- but sometimes you just want what you want. I want to be pregnant.  I want it so badly I can feel it in my bones.  I think about it all the time.  I dream about having children.  I keep a little journal with potential baby names.  And it's devastating to think there's really nothing I can do right now to get pregnant.  My pregnancy is in the hands of my doctor.

The idea of releasing control to someone else doesn't bode well with me.  I'm an A type personality.  I came from a middle class family and worked hard for everything I have.  I wanted to go to college, so I worked really hard in high school and got good grades and got into college- I made it happen.  I wanted to go to graduate school, so I studied hard for the GMAT, did well, and got in- I made it happen. I wanted a good job, so I bunkered down, excelled in graduate school, and got a good job- I made it happen.  I wanted to buy a house, so I slowly saved my nickels and dimes over 4 years, and I bought a house (well, a condo)- I made it happen.  You see, my whole life, I was used to making things happen for myself.  If I wanted something, I would just do it.  But getting pregnant is out my my control at this point.  I have to have complete faith in my doctor.  It's hard.

It's harder still when you factor in these pangs of ripe jealousy.  I feel like I'm betraying myself- I'm not that person who's not happy for her friends.  I'm happy for them- but I can't stop being jealous.  I'm still not sure how to deal with it.