Baking.
As you know from my previous posts I am in the midst of the two week wait. On the suggestion of a kind reader, I figured I needed to start some sort of project. So I bought a cook book. Not just any cook book, but a beautiful book on cake. It is very complex but the recipes are from a cafe around here, and their cakes are TO DIE FOR. The cakes are very labor intensive, and generally recommended for pastry chefs, but I'm up for the challenge.
Baking has been a love of my life since I was a kid. There is something soothing in the measuring of flour, vanilla, eggs, etc. You can tell I'm stressed when I've whipped up three cakes in a night. I'm not half bad either- but I'd like to get better.
The book will arrive tomorrow (thank you Amazon Prime!). I will bake something next week (yes, technically outside of the two week wait). I figure the cake will be a "yay! we're happy we're pregnant!" or a "well, at least I can eat this delicious cake and have some champagne with it since I'm not pregnant." I promise either way to post pictures (assuming I can figure out how to do that).
I apologize for the late post. I had to get up SUPER early this morning- all because of my job. I'm an attorney, so I often have to travel to far away places. This morning was one of those days- up and out by 4:00 a.m. to be in court by 8:30 a.m. I didn't get back into the office until 2:30 p.m., but this was the first place I came, I promise.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
The Past-Future.
The past two years I've found it hard to plan for the future. There's always this lingering question of "what if I'm pregnant." Every time we went to plan a vacation we would ask that question. When we bought tickets to some event we asked that question.
Here's an example. In December 2011 we learned about a beer festival going on near our house the following May. We are both big fans of beer and this festival was guaranteed to sell out. So we wanted to buy tickets- but then we asked, "what if we're pregnant." I almost always respond with something like "well, that is so far out, I'll for sure be pregnant by then." We bought two tickets figuring my husband would have to go with someone else. Turns out, he didn't, I wasn't pregnant.
This has happened time and time again. I'm in the process of it now. We're going to Las Vegas with some friends in August. I'm really looking forward to the trip, but I hesitated a lot, because "of course I'll be pregnant then." But there's a good chance I won't be.
This whole process has made planning more difficult- although everything we go through is worth it in the end if we get a child.
The past two years I've found it hard to plan for the future. There's always this lingering question of "what if I'm pregnant." Every time we went to plan a vacation we would ask that question. When we bought tickets to some event we asked that question.
Here's an example. In December 2011 we learned about a beer festival going on near our house the following May. We are both big fans of beer and this festival was guaranteed to sell out. So we wanted to buy tickets- but then we asked, "what if we're pregnant." I almost always respond with something like "well, that is so far out, I'll for sure be pregnant by then." We bought two tickets figuring my husband would have to go with someone else. Turns out, he didn't, I wasn't pregnant.
This has happened time and time again. I'm in the process of it now. We're going to Las Vegas with some friends in August. I'm really looking forward to the trip, but I hesitated a lot, because "of course I'll be pregnant then." But there's a good chance I won't be.
This whole process has made planning more difficult- although everything we go through is worth it in the end if we get a child.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Baby Showers.
Many of my friends have had kids, many are pregnant. Several are due in a month or so. One of my closer friends is due later this month, and a cousin is due in June. It hit me the other day that I had not received baby shower invites from them. I was curious, so I logged onto Facebook and checked out their pages. Low and behold, there were pictures from both of their baby showers. For my cousin, other family members were clearly at the shower, but nobody mentioned it. For the friend, all of our common friends were there. I'm not quite sure what to make of this situation. I haven't had any falling out with them- in fact, I've hung out with them both recently.
It made me wonder: have my friends started to think of me as a bad omen so they don't invite me to showers? Do they think that my life will be easier if they don't invite me to their showers? It's a really crappy feeling- and it will probably get crappier until we get pregnant. I think I've mentioned that a VERY close friend of mine didn't even tell me she was pregnant- and then after I found out, she didn't even tell me she was having a girl. She wasn't keeping it a secret, everyone knew she was pregnant, but for some reason she didn't tell me. I never asked her why not, I figured it probably wasn't worth it.
What do you do in situation likes these where you aren't invited to showers? Do you call them up and ask about it- and just assume the invitation got lost in the mail? Do you just pretend everything is fine and don't ask them about it? Do you stop being their friends?
I'm not sure what to do.
Many of my friends have had kids, many are pregnant. Several are due in a month or so. One of my closer friends is due later this month, and a cousin is due in June. It hit me the other day that I had not received baby shower invites from them. I was curious, so I logged onto Facebook and checked out their pages. Low and behold, there were pictures from both of their baby showers. For my cousin, other family members were clearly at the shower, but nobody mentioned it. For the friend, all of our common friends were there. I'm not quite sure what to make of this situation. I haven't had any falling out with them- in fact, I've hung out with them both recently.
It made me wonder: have my friends started to think of me as a bad omen so they don't invite me to showers? Do they think that my life will be easier if they don't invite me to their showers? It's a really crappy feeling- and it will probably get crappier until we get pregnant. I think I've mentioned that a VERY close friend of mine didn't even tell me she was pregnant- and then after I found out, she didn't even tell me she was having a girl. She wasn't keeping it a secret, everyone knew she was pregnant, but for some reason she didn't tell me. I never asked her why not, I figured it probably wasn't worth it.
What do you do in situation likes these where you aren't invited to showers? Do you call them up and ask about it- and just assume the invitation got lost in the mail? Do you just pretend everything is fine and don't ask them about it? Do you stop being their friends?
I'm not sure what to do.
Monday, May 7, 2012
It's all mental- or is it?
I'm in the midst of the two week wait. I'll get a blood pregnancy test on the 15th, and it's hard not to think about it. I was very excited when the two week wait started, but now I'm gloomy and slightly depressed. I'm having all of my period symptoms.
I know that most period symptoms can also be pregnancy symptoms, and that's true for many of my symptoms, but not all. I get a few zits, I feel bloated with little cramps in my stomach, and then the tell tale sign is.. umm... let's say "digestive problems."
Yesterday morning I woke up to my digestive problems, and I knew deep down that I'm not pregnant. Then today the problem was still there, reinforcing my belief. I know it's too early to tell, but I would actually bet a lot of money on the fact that I'm not pregnant. I've been sick in the past, and when doctors told me I was fine, I knew there was something wrong- and one visit with a specialist confirmed my beliefs. I'm just in tune with my body- I know what's going on before the doctors do.
Since I know I'm not pregnant, I'm in a weird state- I'm heartbroken but still hopeful. I went to an amusement park yesterday with my husband and niece, and I stayed off all of the roller coasters. I'm still not eating the things I shouldn't be eating. I still take the reminding-you-that-you're-still-not-pregnant prenatal vitamins which I have been taking for two years. All of this with the hope, prayers, and wishful thinking that maybe the universe is playing a trick and I'll end up being pregnant. It's a glimmer of hope, but it grows dimmer by the day.
I wish I didn't have to work today, but I do- and actually that's probably a good thing, something to keep my mind off of this situation. Now, how am I going to do this for the next 8 days?
I'm in the midst of the two week wait. I'll get a blood pregnancy test on the 15th, and it's hard not to think about it. I was very excited when the two week wait started, but now I'm gloomy and slightly depressed. I'm having all of my period symptoms.
I know that most period symptoms can also be pregnancy symptoms, and that's true for many of my symptoms, but not all. I get a few zits, I feel bloated with little cramps in my stomach, and then the tell tale sign is.. umm... let's say "digestive problems."
Yesterday morning I woke up to my digestive problems, and I knew deep down that I'm not pregnant. Then today the problem was still there, reinforcing my belief. I know it's too early to tell, but I would actually bet a lot of money on the fact that I'm not pregnant. I've been sick in the past, and when doctors told me I was fine, I knew there was something wrong- and one visit with a specialist confirmed my beliefs. I'm just in tune with my body- I know what's going on before the doctors do.
Since I know I'm not pregnant, I'm in a weird state- I'm heartbroken but still hopeful. I went to an amusement park yesterday with my husband and niece, and I stayed off all of the roller coasters. I'm still not eating the things I shouldn't be eating. I still take the reminding-you-that-you're-still-not-pregnant prenatal vitamins which I have been taking for two years. All of this with the hope, prayers, and wishful thinking that maybe the universe is playing a trick and I'll end up being pregnant. It's a glimmer of hope, but it grows dimmer by the day.
I wish I didn't have to work today, but I do- and actually that's probably a good thing, something to keep my mind off of this situation. Now, how am I going to do this for the next 8 days?
Friday, May 4, 2012
Nieces.
I have two, absolutely adorable nieces, one from each of my sisters. My oldest sister is now pregnant with her second child, a boy. She TTC for 7 years before getting pregnant with my niece- luckily embryos were donated to her, so she was able to have children. My nieces are 6 and 2. They are such a joy- and so different.
The younger niece lives about 6-7 hours away, so I don't get to see her very often. The oldest niece (and unplanned niece), sister, and brother in law used to live in my city, but they moved up to Canada a little under a year ago. We used to see her several times a week, and she would often spend the night at our house. I've missed her so much in these past few months. I miss both of my nieces- they bring such a big smile to my face. I can't wait to have a child myself- these girls remind me of the preciousness that is childhood.
Anyway, my niece from Canada is visiting this weekend and I can barely contain myself. She's spending the night on Saturday- and we have a large list of things to do- make cookies, watch Pingu, go for a walk, go to the park, and finally, on Sunday, go to a local theme park. It'll be a busy weekend, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Besides, this will help me stop thinking about my May 15 pregnancy test!
Have a good weekend everyone.
I have two, absolutely adorable nieces, one from each of my sisters. My oldest sister is now pregnant with her second child, a boy. She TTC for 7 years before getting pregnant with my niece- luckily embryos were donated to her, so she was able to have children. My nieces are 6 and 2. They are such a joy- and so different.
The younger niece lives about 6-7 hours away, so I don't get to see her very often. The oldest niece (and unplanned niece), sister, and brother in law used to live in my city, but they moved up to Canada a little under a year ago. We used to see her several times a week, and she would often spend the night at our house. I've missed her so much in these past few months. I miss both of my nieces- they bring such a big smile to my face. I can't wait to have a child myself- these girls remind me of the preciousness that is childhood.
Anyway, my niece from Canada is visiting this weekend and I can barely contain myself. She's spending the night on Saturday- and we have a large list of things to do- make cookies, watch Pingu, go for a walk, go to the park, and finally, on Sunday, go to a local theme park. It'll be a busy weekend, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Besides, this will help me stop thinking about my May 15 pregnancy test!
Have a good weekend everyone.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Nervous Nelly.
I'm nervous. I had a doctor's appointment on Monday, and he gave me an HCG trigger shot, sent me home and told me and hubby to BD at midnight on Tuesday. We followed our doctor's orders to the T. Yesterday I called and made an appointment for a blood pregnancy test for the first possible day, the 15th. So now I wait. And wait.
I'm excited. I've had a sneaking suspicion that the reason why we didn't get pregnant was because we weren't timing sex right because I was so irregular. My cycles would last anywhere between 28 and 60 days, so figuring out when I was O was impossible. Also, we were using a clear blue easy fertility monitor, but since my cycles were so long, I often had to use two packs in one cycle- and miraculously, whenever I opened the second pack, the monitor would tell me I was ovulating. This was probably just because the sticks didn't come from the same production line- they're that sensitive.
Hubby and I did our best to remain very sexually active d uring the past 1.5 years, but with 60 day cycles, there are bound to be periods where you have sex maybe once a week. This is especially true when you consider we both work very demanding jobs, and work 60-80 hours a week- and most weekends. We usually get home around 7:30 or 8:00, and need to eat. By the time we're settled in, it's 10:00 and we're exhausted and need to get up the next morning at 6:30. Yes, something has got to give, and it will.
Anyway, I'm excited because this is the first time we know we BD when I was ovulating! Now, I know that even when you BD when you are ovulating, the chances of getting pregnant are something like 20%, so it's unlikely I'll get pregnant, but still- I'm so excited!
My friends and family members all tell me they just "knew" they were pregnant before they were tested. I keep trying to feel any signs of pregnancy (something I have done for the past 1.5 years). Nothing yet- but I keep hoping.
We'll know regardless on the 15th, and I can't wait. Fingers crossed!
I'm nervous. I had a doctor's appointment on Monday, and he gave me an HCG trigger shot, sent me home and told me and hubby to BD at midnight on Tuesday. We followed our doctor's orders to the T. Yesterday I called and made an appointment for a blood pregnancy test for the first possible day, the 15th. So now I wait. And wait.
I'm excited. I've had a sneaking suspicion that the reason why we didn't get pregnant was because we weren't timing sex right because I was so irregular. My cycles would last anywhere between 28 and 60 days, so figuring out when I was O was impossible. Also, we were using a clear blue easy fertility monitor, but since my cycles were so long, I often had to use two packs in one cycle- and miraculously, whenever I opened the second pack, the monitor would tell me I was ovulating. This was probably just because the sticks didn't come from the same production line- they're that sensitive.
Hubby and I did our best to remain very sexually active d uring the past 1.5 years, but with 60 day cycles, there are bound to be periods where you have sex maybe once a week. This is especially true when you consider we both work very demanding jobs, and work 60-80 hours a week- and most weekends. We usually get home around 7:30 or 8:00, and need to eat. By the time we're settled in, it's 10:00 and we're exhausted and need to get up the next morning at 6:30. Yes, something has got to give, and it will.
Anyway, I'm excited because this is the first time we know we BD when I was ovulating! Now, I know that even when you BD when you are ovulating, the chances of getting pregnant are something like 20%, so it's unlikely I'll get pregnant, but still- I'm so excited!
My friends and family members all tell me they just "knew" they were pregnant before they were tested. I keep trying to feel any signs of pregnancy (something I have done for the past 1.5 years). Nothing yet- but I keep hoping.
We'll know regardless on the 15th, and I can't wait. Fingers crossed!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Jealousy
How do you deal with jealousy?
I want to be the perfect person and simply be happy for our friends who get pregnant the first month trying, but the reality is, I'm jealous. I'm green with envy. It seems like everyone in my life is able to get pregnant without even blinking an eye. This isn't true, of course, some people tried for a while before conceiving, but my sense of perception is warped at the moment. And the problem is, I haven't found a way to deal with it, other than distance, not seeing my friends as often- but that's not really acceptable to me.
Jealousy is a constant internal struggle I have. I truly am happy for my friends, although I am simultaneously jealous and upset that I'm not there yet. The weight of the internal fight is heavy- there isn't a day when I don't think about babies, getting pregnant, and the fact that most of my friends already have two children. I haven't been able to simply just accept the joy for my friends- that that kills me. I am a supportive, loving, wonderful person, and I want to be a great friend, but it's hard right now.
I believe everyone has their own path to take- that the mass prescribed path is certainly not for everyone- but sometimes you just want what you want. I want to be pregnant. I want it so badly I can feel it in my bones. I think about it all the time. I dream about having children. I keep a little journal with potential baby names. And it's devastating to think there's really nothing I can do right now to get pregnant. My pregnancy is in the hands of my doctor.
The idea of releasing control to someone else doesn't bode well with me. I'm an A type personality. I came from a middle class family and worked hard for everything I have. I wanted to go to college, so I worked really hard in high school and got good grades and got into college- I made it happen. I wanted to go to graduate school, so I studied hard for the GMAT, did well, and got in- I made it happen. I wanted a good job, so I bunkered down, excelled in graduate school, and got a good job- I made it happen. I wanted to buy a house, so I slowly saved my nickels and dimes over 4 years, and I bought a house (well, a condo)- I made it happen. You see, my whole life, I was used to making things happen for myself. If I wanted something, I would just do it. But getting pregnant is out my my control at this point. I have to have complete faith in my doctor. It's hard.
It's harder still when you factor in these pangs of ripe jealousy. I feel like I'm betraying myself- I'm not that person who's not happy for her friends. I'm happy for them- but I can't stop being jealous. I'm still not sure how to deal with it.
How do you deal with jealousy?
I want to be the perfect person and simply be happy for our friends who get pregnant the first month trying, but the reality is, I'm jealous. I'm green with envy. It seems like everyone in my life is able to get pregnant without even blinking an eye. This isn't true, of course, some people tried for a while before conceiving, but my sense of perception is warped at the moment. And the problem is, I haven't found a way to deal with it, other than distance, not seeing my friends as often- but that's not really acceptable to me.
Jealousy is a constant internal struggle I have. I truly am happy for my friends, although I am simultaneously jealous and upset that I'm not there yet. The weight of the internal fight is heavy- there isn't a day when I don't think about babies, getting pregnant, and the fact that most of my friends already have two children. I haven't been able to simply just accept the joy for my friends- that that kills me. I am a supportive, loving, wonderful person, and I want to be a great friend, but it's hard right now.
I believe everyone has their own path to take- that the mass prescribed path is certainly not for everyone- but sometimes you just want what you want. I want to be pregnant. I want it so badly I can feel it in my bones. I think about it all the time. I dream about having children. I keep a little journal with potential baby names. And it's devastating to think there's really nothing I can do right now to get pregnant. My pregnancy is in the hands of my doctor.
The idea of releasing control to someone else doesn't bode well with me. I'm an A type personality. I came from a middle class family and worked hard for everything I have. I wanted to go to college, so I worked really hard in high school and got good grades and got into college- I made it happen. I wanted to go to graduate school, so I studied hard for the GMAT, did well, and got in- I made it happen. I wanted a good job, so I bunkered down, excelled in graduate school, and got a good job- I made it happen. I wanted to buy a house, so I slowly saved my nickels and dimes over 4 years, and I bought a house (well, a condo)- I made it happen. You see, my whole life, I was used to making things happen for myself. If I wanted something, I would just do it. But getting pregnant is out my my control at this point. I have to have complete faith in my doctor. It's hard.
It's harder still when you factor in these pangs of ripe jealousy. I feel like I'm betraying myself- I'm not that person who's not happy for her friends. I'm happy for them- but I can't stop being jealous. I'm still not sure how to deal with it.
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